10.4.11

By the way.
When you google
"Audrey Metzger Blog"
About half-way down the Google page it reads
"Holograms of the Sea- Awesome Blog!"
Which actually leads to this blog.
For the record,
I didn't write that part about it being
"Awesome"
I don't know how that happened.
But that's just fine by me.

Yours Forever


A long list of my day:
Showers in the morning. Syrupy sweet sunshine. Zephyrs. Birdsong. Iced Tea. New Books (I love libraries!). A librarian who likes ee Cummings. New Music. Films. Salvador Dali. Sun-dappled new green leaves. Sun roof open, windows down. Bikes. Sundresses. Spring.
Spring.
Everyday should be as such.
Bliss.
On a serious level.

April.
It just got awesome.

Summary:
The First Night of Spring
-

Sherbet sunset

In a dwindling ear before

The cacophonous symphonies

Of springtime night creatures.

We listen to the soft drumming of

Frogs in the mirroring pond.

-

A magnetic draw to the

The sailboat-esque waves.

An April day in remembrance.

A lesson in the art of listening.

To the soft lilt in the wind's speech,

His sweet words heated, and blown into my ear,

Onto the necks of the sweat-clad flowering blooms.

-

The water painted with the last rays of purpling

Sunlight, farewell and good-night, we wave.

The newly born creatures make newly-born sounds

That play so soothingly, after six months

In the dark underground

Of winter, like the heavy hand of Demeter herself

Plunged us into the earth.

-

But now, again, Persephone brings us up, up

And brings the flowers' smiling heads up, up

The soil parts and breathes deep, gasping breaths

Of this new sugar-sweet, heavy zephyr song.

Night sings once again

In sweet harmony, like it never had ceased

At all, never had died in the months

Before this great thaw.

-

Painted, the sky seems

In velveted color of crushed space,

The stars shine like streetlamps

Which now sleep far later into the eve.

Before flicking among the firefly bodies

Soon to alight and gorge themselves

On the dizzyingly sensual night,

Calm embrace of warmer months.

-

Spring breaks forth on torrents

Of these syrup-heavy Western Winds

Who blow sleep into our eyes

On the petals of the newborn flowers,

The crocuses reach their arms forth

Like tendrilled children.

-

Our eyes fall into deep slumber

With windows flung open

Our lives flung open to air

Out on the clothesline

And to soak in this sundried

Sweet breeze

And to sing with the

Night's own low hum.


8.4.11

Ready? OK

Some major Velvet Underground therapy is going on
Right now.
Something about their mellow songs
Is so horribly soothing.
"Heroin" reminds me of you.
And "Sunday Morning" sometimes
Strikes a chord in me that makes me
Want to cry.
I'm not sure why.

I'm sure you remember
(Not really)
When I became ill
Over him,
Correct?

You know, I'm sure,
That such things are unhealthy.
But alas,
It is happening again.
And it's always this horribly
Difficult feeling to capture
In words and justify as needed.

I hope you who are reading this
Can understand
My idiocy.
But yes,
My stomach is turning itself end over end
Once more.

My poor dear,
I hope these things are not true
(However counterintuitive this seems).
How cruel it would seem.
Unless of course,
It proves true
And you enacted it.
I still would worry for you, though.
It troubles me, really,
To think you may now be alone.

Mi carissime,
Are you alright?
I hope you don't find yourself all down
And blue-feeling.
If such things are true,
My dear, I am sorry.
I am not very good
At consolation,
And since these are just silly rumors
And inferences,
I know nothing for sure.
But...
It troubles me.

I hope you are alright,
And nothing is plaguing you terribly so.
If you are distressed,
I wish you would say so,
Perhaps we could talk.
Perhaps.

I hope you had no ulterior motive.

But here I am,
All worried and oddly ill-feeling
And it's you,
And I know that.
But I cannot remedy it.
I just wish for certainty...
You worry me.
It's horrid, silly.

Why does this happen?

7.4.11

Dirty Mister Dirty

To begin, there are songs you ought to listen to in my opinion, some of which include:
The title song, "Dirty Mister Dirty" - Generationals.
"Dots on Maps" - Say Hi (Weird band name, good song.)
And for good measure, "Angel in the Snow" - Elliot Smith. Very quiet and pretty.

Asides,
I should be studying,
But alas, when ever I chit-chat philosophy and poetry on Thursdays
I get this wholly rebellious feeling, and sort of put off the more important things.
(I DID study though, don't you dare accuse me of being a total slacker!)
But it's so refreshing to hear someone else's perspective on things.
To talk literature without using oppressive terms like
"Tone", "Author's purpose", "Theme", etc, etc, etc.
To discuss "Lolita" in a seriously unserious manner.
To speak opinion-based philosophical ideals and get new perspectives and ideas
In return.
And why are there so few people in this world (That I've met)
That can share this interest?
Why are there even fewer people my age?
I can about two/three teenagers get this.
And I can name only a handful of adults who
Will talk to me as if I am some sort of equal.
Miraculous idea, right?

And there's really only one person with whom
I actually talk about these things with.
A teacher who admits to really hating "Author's purpose"
("Who cares?!" says he)
And who thinks tone is sort of dumb.
Hence swell conversations from
Perspectives which
I think are quite different and somewhat complementary?
It's a swell thing, really.

A structuralist-type of person
And one who is fond of entropy in literature.

I rather enjoy philosophical conversations
On such sorts of things.
Makes me feel as though
I am not completely out-there.

Splendid.
Truly.

"How post-modern of you"

4.4.11

A String.



"For whatever we lose (like a you or a me), It's always ourself we find in the sea."

-ee Cummings.




So it comes to an ending, as I suppose all things must.
After the most lovely 10 days,
It is back to school.
How I will manage these next nine weeks
Is still wholly open for debate.
I am open to suggestions
On how to maintain my full sanity.

On a heavier note,
Does it somehow fail to reach you
That I do not want to teach?
That what I love is not going to
Reap a particularly healthy income?
Do you listen when I talk about what
I do? What I love?
Is it truly so foreign to you that I
Write?
And you say "What are you going to do?
Sit around and write poetry?"

Well, in an ideal world, yes.

That's precisely what I'd do.
(If I was better at it, that is.)

It hurts, it's this deep, slashing, gushing wound
In my small and breaking heart when you say
These things to me.
It hurts so horribly bad to know
That I will never be what you expected,
That I will never do what I love so much.

Often, I stifle such a pain
With poetry.
I write and bleed crimson love letters
And torments and insufficiencies into
Flowing stanzas.
It is the only thing I know how to do.
It makes such beautiful sense.
The only safe haven I can find
Is going to destroy me so slowly.
It's a slow bleed,
Like a papercut.
Small, but feisty.

I truly think there are few
People in this very large world
Who understand how much this art
Means to me.

I would be a starving artist if it meant
I could throw myself so deeply
Into this art.
If I could only give myself fully
To the language.

But there are expectations to be upheld.
And perhaps, someday you will respect
Art the same way you respect any other occupation.

Perhaps someday I will submerge myself
In this perfect thing.
But first, I must improve,
I must work very hard
And prove myself.
There are thresholds to be crossed
To become a poet.
One cannot simply write,
One has to go deeper than that.
I must get there.
I will dig as deep as I must,
I will sail as far as I must,
To become this pinnacle of being.

You, my dear,
I think you may understand this.
Somedays you read and there is a glimmer
Of true understanding in your blue eyes.
Somedays, I know you get it.
You give so much encouragement,
And yet there is nothing I can give in return.
Your words and glances and your sometimes-whispers
Mean more than you know.
But I cannot repay you,
At least, not now.
Your understanding
Is a most lovely lighthouse.


Someday,
I swear, we shall all know what we are.
Deep inside of us is nestled a little note in a bottle,
And we must all work very hard to unlodge the cork
And retrieve ourselves from the little bottle.
Sometimes it takes our whole life.
But others know, and so they must
Work to let their own selves be free.

I want to be free.


3.4.11

Fences


I'd love to walk through an art museum with you.
Lift our eyes to all the paintings. Sculptures.
Drift through halls and rooms and atriums
Full of mediums and shapes and colors
That blend well in a haze.

I'd love to know what you thought
Of the art on the walls.
Impressionism? Pop Art?
Photorealism?

You and I could talk about
Art. While being there,
Among the paintings.
How does Monet's "Willow Tree"
Make you feel?
Modern art?
I can't help but wonder.

We're only human, after all.

We Are the Sleepyheads

It's been what seems like weeks or months or some
Vast expanse of time since I have last posted.
But really, it's just been some of the most splendid
And lengthy days I've had.

I've spent numerous lovely hours
With a plethora of lovely people.
We've taken photos, and danced.
We've stayed up into the morning,
Wandered the halls of an art museum.
Played games and quested for
The mythical hot dog.

I've done so many lovely things.
It's been a most beautiful week.

Although I haven't written much,
It was a nice little laid back break.
I need to work more extensively in meter.
(Iambic pentameter is now an inside joke)
So now must begin a rigorous writing course
For a little while, at least.
I feel it's necessary.

Have one of the few written over the break:

Birth.

Slowly I remember

Waking up in the strong arms

Of a new dawn,

He has caught me up

In sleep, and held me close.

-

Slowly my eyes

See what is,

For the first time

In this life.

Here in a square apartment,

With glass windows into

The heart

Of this city.

-

Lying awake in the ecstasy

Of the newly birthed day,

Alive as though living

Were the only thing

In this world,

This life

To hold tightly

And fight for.

-

Slowly I recall the misted

Days before,

Weeks wasted in dim halls

Of the mind, where lights flicker

In such silence.

But this,

This was before I met the dawn

With stone cold

And sober eyes.

-

As he wrapped me up in rose-colored

Finery, diaphanous clouds

As our blankets.

Early he stretches and yawns

Across this sprawl,

And I see

Waking,

As never before.

-

Through clean eyes

I soak in what has always been here,

But hidden.

Slowly I breathe in what's never quite

Been in the air before.

-

Morning clutches me in tight embrace,

And I see in the livid blue seas

Of his eyes, what's always been,

But what I've been too blind to

Notice, in the tenderly

Still mornings

Of all sound and all clarity.

-

Slowly, I remember what it is

To be alive,

Drenched in the cool birth

Of new light.