The Cascades

I am so full of contempt right now.

So full of this swirling mix

of angst and the need to just break down

and scream at you for all the things that

make no sense, even in my own mind.

I just want to make you really,

really angry.

And call you a "misogynistic bastard"

even though you aren't.

Not at all.

Just because it sounds like a fantastic

insult to yell at you.

And yet,

I still love you.

You bastard.

(Misogynistic)

And yet it's all my fault

(inevitably)

because you've got no idea

what goes on in my sometimes

deranged thoughts.

I honestly cannot verbalize

this disgusting feeling.

I want to just puke

and have myself feel clean.

Purged

this emotion clinging to my insides

and ripping my brain and my heart and my kidneys

all to ruin.

I have no idea

how to describe this.

It's something like

being green with envy and jealousy

and then stewing in contempt

while having your brain ripped out through your nose.

Restrained.

Strapped to a table

with no way to shout and scream

and carry on.

For no reason

other than what I have brought upon myself,

singlehandedly.

It's disgusting.

I wish you could know.

I wish I could yell at you.

Then cry.

And have you somehow wordlessly understand.

I wish I had the guts.

I wish I did not feel this horrible way.

So I made some ironic dadaist poems

and hid my feelings for another day.

A ticking time bomb.