The Rhine

Gah, why are so many things so absolutely

bittersweet? So horridly upsetting and uplifting

at the same time.

I hate these double-edged sword situations.

Like graduations.

They leave.

Sad.

They begin a new part of their lives.

Awesome.

It makes me so horribly conflicted.

And then as I think about their futures,

I start to think of my own and it

truly makes me terrified.

What even happens when we leave

the grotesquely protective bubble

of our Rutherford. B. Hayes HS?

I can't even begin to think of leaving

these people. These people who

I see everyday,

who I love and talk to and care about.

I have no desire to leave them in 2 years.

I'm utterly distressed.

I don't even want us all to be in different classes next year.

Let alone in different colleges and states

in two years.

It's unnerving.

Disconcerting, even.

And well, what if all of this is for naught?

What if I fall a smidge sort of my aspirations?

I don't want to think of myself failing so miserably like that.

It scares me.

And sooner,

as in, like 4 days soon,

It'll be summer.

As in, no school.

Not seeing people.

Not doing things.

Babysitting.

Teaching small kids.

Reading Vonnegut (Gah.)

and taking online Health.

Ew.

And it bothers me the closer it gets.

And I won't see him.

For you know,

two, two and a half months.

That's a long time.

I'll get sappy and I'll miss him.

I love him.

There are a lot of convoluted stupid emotional

things I'm getting the vibes of right now.

Things I can't explain well.

Though I wish I wish I could.

I need to.

Keeping them internalized is

bothering me.