Monday Morning

It's weird.
Because sometimes
I love you enough
that it makes 
me hurt.


My chest will
get tight
and my heart
will ache.


The thought 
of you
becomes enough 
to kill me.


And no matter
what I do,
not matter 
how much 
I hate the feeling;
no matter how 
much I want to
punch you somedays,
no matter how
angry the whole thing
makes me...


I still love you.
I can't remain bitter
or angry.


It's breaking me down slowly.


And sometimes when 
I'm crying and telling
you how horrible
I feel, and you listen
and are concerned
and try to help me


I want to just say
"I love you,
but you are killing me."


To tell you
the things I cannot.
To walk up to you,
close, as I'm breaking
in front of you
and kiss you.


But you
are not mine.
We just can't work.
No matter how
strongly I love you,
it just can't happen.


You have her,
and I am me.


I will be here
and we can laugh
and make fun of your
little accent,
we can watch funny videos
together.
Discuss serious things.


But I will never kiss you,
I will never know
what it is like
to be with you.


But know,
somewhere in
your heart of hearts,
that I love you.

Gold on the Ceiling

You came in and sat down
and we ended up 
there for two hours. 


You kept saying you should
do something productive,
but you didn't leave.


We talked about
books and writers 
and what we were both reading.
And how Neutral Milk Hotel and Lychack 
are so similar. 


We talked about philosophy,
Absurdism, existentialism.
Sherman Alexie and his beautiful prose.


And then we proceeded
to watch five second films
and then random youtube videos
and then Monty Python.


We just sort of hung out 
for two hours.


It was awesome.


In short.
I wish we could this everyday.


And I'm convinced
we'd be so awesome together...


if only.


Also,


SPRING BREAK 2012.

Green Gloves

Things are bad.
And those are times
when you forget there
are really, truly 
good things in life.


You forget
that there is sun.
You forget you have friends.
And it seems as though nothing
will ever be good again,
and that nothing is worth living for,
that we have no purpose and 
float in a scary devoid space.


But then you
wake up
and again see the sun.
You remember what
funny is,
you giggle
(and you haven't all week).


And you realize 
that maybe
the picture is still broken,
it still doesn't make sense
and you're still scared.


But it's going to be ok.
Because there are things
that are great and nice
and lovely. And you can see them again.
Someone took off your mask
which made everything
so frightening and foreign,
and you know 
where you are again.


Even if only momentary,
it's a glorious feeling.
To remember there is good,
in the moment.
Something is here,
something has meaning.


And while I may
wake up scared and sad again 
tomorrow, at least right now is good.


While I may forget this feeling
in the future,
my lose track of it,
I know it now.


And I need to live in these moments.
The now ones.


Because I 
have good plans,
and great friends.
I am getting to know
new people.
I can feel the sun 
and its warmth.
I have things to look forward to.


I have 
spring break.
A concert in June.
A writing camp.
And my friends.


It's going to alright.
Even just in this moment.
And that's all I can ask for.

Guest Room

Thank you for being

so wonderful.

I'm glad I'm getting

this chance to know you

better.

It's really great,

especially now.

You are just

too lovely.

Gospel

People are probably
sick of hearing
me complain
and be sad
and whatever.


But sometimes
the only dominant
thing in my life
is this sadness,
and I can't get over it.


So I'm sorry
for wallowing
in my own
pathetic problems,
but I have to work on this.


Because nothing is
getting better,
and it isn't going away.


So if I'm not myself,
it's ok.
I'll be back soon.
It's also ok 
if you stop caring.
Because 
I would too.

Lightness

A.
I love you.


B.
You.
With her.


C.
Our distance
is unbridgable.




And I hate it.

Team

Something is wrong with me,
I'm convinced it's all my own
fault. 
And when she says
"Do these breathing exercises."
or
"Do you think you can just 
hang in there until it's over?"


I want to just scream.
Because that shit doesn't help me.
Waiting it out 
is obviously a fucking joke.
And breathing exercises
always end up in me crying.


This isn't working.
My life isn't working.


That's why I'm sitting at home,
curled up and sobbing
because nothing
matters,
nothing is working,
nothing makes
me want to 
continue.


I have two
 things I'm clinging to,
My friends
and my family.


But I still
feel abandoned.


Even poetry
is failing me.


There's no purpose.
There is nothing
here.
Anywhere.


I want 
to run far away.
I want to scream
and scream 
until I lose my voice.


I want to call people
and shout 
"fuck you!"
And hang up
because I don't like them.


I need to just cocoon 
and sleep until
forever.

Creature Fear

Get the 

fuck 

out of my life.

Somebody That I Used To Know

Bon Iver 
is the perfect soundtrack
for violently
weeping in bed.


Convulsive weeping,
all alone,
the last place you want 
to be.


Legitimately 
the worst feeling
ever.

Dead and Gone

In short,
I've gone too long
without writing.


It's driving me crazy.


And Kenyon rejected
my summer camp application
because I'm not rich
and I'm not that good.


So I say fuck them,
because whatever.


Those bastards
can just shut up.


Sorry I don't have 
$1500 
to further my writing.
Sorry I'm not rich.
Sorry I'm not good enough for you.


And yeah, 
I'm taking it personally.
Because it's what I do.


It's bit of a blow
"You've been put on our waitlist."
So if someone better than me
decides to drop
I can go.
But I don't have enough money anyway
so fuck them.


I do what I want
(not really at all).


And I'm so frustrated.
I need to write.
I need to create.


It's killing me,
I can feel the decay in my bones
and I'll be hollow
inside before my time.
My bones
are going to be so brittle
with distress and
artistic sadness,
I shall crack in two,
too soon.


My soul
is strangling me,
and I need something new.
For my work.
For myself.
For everything.

Cecilia

Why does my soul
say I'm 
worthless?


Why does my heart
tell me to give me up?


Why is my mind 
telling me it's
pointless?

Flume

Sometimes

I imagine 

that by some 

miraculous mistake

somehow

we would kiss.

And we would both mean 

it.

We could both be taken 

aback by our actions.

Blushing and stuttering.

But somewhere my

mind holds out,

wants that.

Wants to know

how you kiss.

Wants to know

what you think.

Wants to know

why I care.

Good Morning (The Future)

How do you explain
feelings of teen angst
without being cliche?
Without being absurd and
stupid and sad?


I don't know,
so I'll write it how I
do know.


I don't understand.
Why is life so 
boring?
Why am I so stuck?


Why do I love
someone who
doesn't know,
who can't understand,
probably will 
never ever 
reciprocate.


I am restless in my love
for him- 
I am scared that
this is ruining things.


What if I like someone else?
I don't know how.
What if he's my age
and there's a waaay better chance
of this?


But what if I'm too scared
to do anything?
about any boys
I end up liking?
They're boys,
they are so weird.


I can't fathom dates,
I can't fathom high school relationships.


All I can ever handle
is his face and his hands,
the thought of being 
together- these thoughts
of something different.


I don't understand
the dichotomy of 
teenage relationships.


I want something to happen.


Ideally- 
I want to fall asleep
and wake up somewhere else.
Like San Francisco
or New York-
I want to wake up
in a bed with sun
in the windows,
next to him. 


Realistically-
nothing will happen.
I'll wake up tomorrow,
hot and sleepy
and unchanged.


I will love him still.
I will still be confused.
I won't know why
my life is.


And I'm feeling lonely 
and a little lost.
Not so sure.

Re: Stacks

Sadness from my teenage angst.
Restlessness from my soul.


I don't know how 
I'll sleep tonight,
with so much on 
my mind.


Don't know how I'll
 function with so 
much in my heart.

Kant

I needed a URL, 
Don't judge me. 

Our Happy Life

Back of a Mustang
rolling along 36.
Three of us in the back.
Two up front.
A sky full of stars
out the window.


The most adorable couple 
up front.
And the should-be-second-most
-adorable-couple 
to my left.
She's got her head
on his shoulder,
he's got his head leaned on hers.
Their eyes are closed, 
they are adorable.


The windows are down,
the radio is up.
And the love in this car
is enough to suffocate you,
it's phenomenal.


The adorable people
around me make me so happy.


But I'm getting a little restless.

First Push

It's beautiful outside.
I want to go out.
Go buy spring clothes.
Be skinny 
so I look good in them.


I want to read a lot of books
right now, in this instant
I want to read all of them.


I want to write.
I really do, 
this is what I do,
what I know how to do.


And I stayed up real
late last night
and wrote  piece of 
prose, and it isn't 
very good at all,
but I think it says a lot.


I want to stay out 
super late and drive around
and walk around
and be rambunctious teenagers.
Watch the stars
because they're beautiful.


I want to figure a lot of things out.
I don't want to do my homework.
I probably won't.
(For today at least.)


I want to make a lot of things.
Poems and prose and films
and music. 


There's so much
I don't know where to start. 

Apartment Story

The way I caught you
out of the corner of my eye,
but ignored you.


Until you had crossed the library
and stood next me and said
"Do you want to talk about dead birds now?"


Of course I would.
You sought me out.
I would love to ignore 
my twenty pages of Kant reading
and instead discuss arcs
of great deathly birds
with you.


The way you
stuttered and stumbled through
half of your sentences
and got all intense and quiet
like you do.


I feel like it hadn't been
like that in a while.
A nice quiet
and small words
over truly intriguing things.


How every conversation
we have lingers.


The lovely silence that
fell between us
as we both read,
our respective 
space between.

White Blank Page

I'll write a fake romance
with the windows thrown
open, the eery summer
in March 
dripping through on the breeze.


I will fictionalize
some weird human touch
to appease the stars
as they dully shine
like spray-painted cardboard
on fishing line.


I want to sleep
for a thousand years,
yet not sleep at all.
I want to tell you everything.
I will walk barefoot 
along the waterways
until I can throw myself
to the sea.
I will kiss the fiery stars
because I cannot kiss your lips.


And in my sleep
I dream of the wild 
jungles of my mind,
with beautiful birds,
the trees taller than
any iron-and-steel buildings.


There among the greenery
we will wake within the earth.


So for now
in my waking hours,
my feverish awareness,
I will dream with eyes open
all that shall never
be,
all that never was,


my return to the sea.


My soft longing
for your voice.

Permalight

Who can decode this anonymous comment posted to this blog. I cannot make any sense of it: 

" Why can't I ever stay happy?" Might have to do with" POPERS". When you " plaster " POPPIES all over your blog as an invitation to IRA- PLO, maybe you're " insatiable"? Could be all the " BILLY BOO 222", too....with HORSEA. You already got HOLOGRAMS,after all. And you also got RED SEA- TEDSEA- TESS SEA- DEAD SEA, so, maybe you're a " glutton" for death? We know EDWARD MEESE is a glutton for " KID - FUCKS". He's got so much COSYMST- COMIESSE- COMSTUL he has no idea how sick he's going to look in our movie..." KK". It would almost be " comical" if not for all the BEDGOSTS.....and SOUL ASS. I got a question. Does ROBERT DOLE " hold his PENN" in NEWFOUNDLAND? " BEVOR " and " AFTER"? HURE and tell us...scrips almost re-written at least "V" times

Typewriter Tip Tip Tip

The beautiful days 

make me 

sad.

I have nothing

to do with my life.

Chicago x12

Why can't I ever
stay happy?

Where Have All the Flowers Gone?

As often happens,
I see something online
and go "wow, that's really
inspiring."


This is one of those things:


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y4MnpzG5Sqc


I had seen the Invisible Children documentary.


But I really didn't know who Kony was.
And then I saw this video
(which has gone viral).


And it struck something.
How do we let this happen
as a global community?


As human beings,
we allow this corrupted man
to abduct youth, to
force them into violence,
traumatize them,
rape them,
kill them.


There is something wrong with this.


We are all humans,
we all have the sense
that these actions
are wrong.


This should not happen.


30,000 children
should not have had to 
endure this kind of torment.


They are children.


They can never be the same.


We should all band together 
to protect global rights,
global safety.


We can stop violence like this.


Gradually. Slowly and with measured steps.
But we have to start somewhere.


The Invisible Children group
has found (what I think is) a good start.


Arrest Kony.
The #1 criminal on
the International Criminal Court's 
list. 


The movement has garnered so much 
attention that last year
Obama deployed advisors
in Africa.


We have to keep them there,
we have to get the word out,
we have to stop this cruelty
and we have to 
fight 
like
hell
to defend our fellow human beings.


We can all agree
that this shouldn't happen.


Things like this 
sadden me,
as a citizen of humanity.
Why does this happen?


How can one man with one idea
ruin so many lives?


But now
there are a lot of people
with one huge idea,
one idea to change the future.


Stop Kony.


I believe it.
I want it to happen.
No one should commit these crimes
and get away with it.


We crave justice
as humans,
we ought to 
bring it down
on Kony.


Here's the video if you haven't seen it: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y4MnpzG5Sqc