Ahh, well,
I am trying to
be my once-productive
and ambitious self.
I catch glimpses,
today she scheduled
two college visits,
printed a copy of the common app.
She surfed hotels
to stay at while in NY.
Then she got sad
and went away.
Because the future
isn't so much my goal
right now, I damn myself
every time I say it,
but it's true,
I don't care.
I got tired of
the protocol
but I'll ride that wave
until I can finally
get away from it.
Probably another
five years.
If I'm not out of the
flow by then
I'll spend my entire life
unhappy
and incomplete
and broken.
I'll waste away what I have
to please the system
and the people I know.
In five years
I want to be
myself and happy
and doing something
I love very much.
I want to live how
I actually WANT to live.
Right now I'm
just masquerading
as a high school senior
going through the motions
because it's the only thing
I can respectably do.
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