The lack of anything good

I took a bath a few days ago when I was 
really sad,
and found that I just sort of laid there
and stared at nothing for
20 minutes.
Not thinking,
not worrying,
staring without seeing.

It's weird.
It's not being in a normal daze,
it's like you're trying to 
look for somewhere else,
like your brain is trying
very hard to
right itself
and maybe open more of your brain
up.
It's like autopilot.

And you know how sometimes
you want to cry really hard,
you can feel it coming
and you just know it would make
you feel so much better?

It won't come,
I can feel it,
but then my eyes
and nose start to burn
and I let out a huge yawn instead.
I'm being robbed.

And now I'll take four medications a day,
and maybe I'll never be 
completely balanced,
and maybe things don't get much 
better than this
and I have to learn to live like this.

And it's always a great experience
to step onto the scale
and see,
oh,
you gained more weight.
Despite working out harder,
despite trying to eat better,
because all of your medications 
make you retain weight.
I'll never be thin,
maybe never even a normal, healthy weight.
My mom told me she gained a lot weight
when she started taking medicine too.
But that's not consolation for
an obese teenager
who can't bring herself
to love her body.

I just keep gaining weight,
more and more,
and I wish I didn't like food
and never got hungry
like some people seem to.
I wish I could subsist on 
like, 
kale or some other shitty
thing people eat to be healthy.

Sorry I can't be perfect,
me. 
Sorry for being a let down to
yourself.
Sorry for never being pretty.
Sorry for never being healthy.
Sorry for always stress-eating.
Sorry for being a fuck-up.
Sorry for ruining our life.

Sorry, to the good part of me,
for ruining you with bad days
and bad brain chemistry.