Chickfactor

You know what's really annoying?
Being on medications that make you gain weight.
Like, what is this shit?
And it's a thing,
a lot of anti-depressants cause weight gain.
And people on all these forums
say they've been exercising more and
watching their diets and still gain,
which is my problem.

I think it's pretty shitty that
a medication made to make you feel
better in one way
makes you feel like crap 
in another.

Nobody likes getting fatter.

And it's annoying me to no end.
Every time I go to the doctor's,
I weigh more.
More and more and more.
I can't handle it.

I eat really well,
I swear,
I eat better than some people, even.
And I work out,
I've been trying so hard,
but I GAIN weight.
I can't lose a single ounce.

And I'll keep gaining and gaining,
and when I get upset over it
my mother just says,
it's the medicine.
I know, but that's no comfort.

It's driving me into a place
I don't like at all.
Like, I'm trying to eat as little calories as possible,
but I like food a lot,
so it's hard.
Like I eat so much fruit
and low fat yogurt and cereal
and low fat everything.
If there's a low fat, low-cal version
of a normal food
I'll buy that instead even if it tastes awful.
I haven't had full-fat ice cream
in a long, long time,
I can't let myself slip.
If I eat a pop-tart
I'll be mad at myself all day.

And all this valentine's day candy is stressing me out.
And my family eats whatever they want,
and the world eats whatever they want,
but that's ok
because most of the world isn't on
two anti-depressants and a sleeping aid.
I simply look at a cake
and gain five pounds
because of this medication.

I wish I could be super, super healthy
and work out everyday
and lose the fifty pounds I want to.
Then I'd be healthier
and feel better
and look nicer,
I would just feel so much better about my body.
I want to accept my body,
but when you keep gaining mysterious weight
it's hard.
Like, I really liked my body
25 pounds ago.
I did.
I looked ok.
Now I have a huge muffin top
and all I want to do is hide in big shirts
because I don't want people seeing my
fat tummy.
And even in my face
I've gained weight
and it makes me so sad to look in the mirror,
because I could be 25 pounds lighter
if it weren't for these medicines.

I eat better than I ever have,
I think,
but I'm slipping
because it's harder to see the point
when you gain weight no matter what you do.

And then I beat myself up
because nobody can love a body like mine.
No boy wants to have a fat girlfriend.

Nobody wants 
a body like this.