Memories of Jacqueline 1906

I want to break it all
apart and understand what it means.


To crack open its bones
and the cosmos
and have it all come raining
in a great thunderstorm 
over my head,
and it will christen me with
some new wisdom,
some knowledge 
which will make things
easier to comprehend.


Because I don't understand
nearly anything in my life.
I know this,
but don't accept it.


Also, 
it's not as though I am 
asking for world peace
or a new car, 
I am asking for a way
to get to school on
my day off without
having to drag my brother
in too.


I think I'm asking for something
reasonable, and possibly
even considerate.


Don't act like it's such a pain
in your ass.


There are worse things in life
than having to send your kid
to his friend's house for a few hours.


-


I'm really not feeling
this new arrangement.

Original Sin

BAM.


Teal hair
and 
Matt and Kim
and 
pudding.


Basically
I feel 
like kicking ass.
And taking taking names.


Confidence up ten-fold!
And a bit of intellectual 
discussion,
found poetry
and off we go!
Running into the misted
distance 
which we know will be trying,
difficult
and make us feel like dying
once or twice,


but here
we are going!!


No time but here
this very now
and it's all going
to work itself out,
because this is not the end!


This is a beginning 
of sorts, of new
gatherings
and new goings
and the
passion 
and emotion 
will flare up all around!


And I know,
yes I do,
that these many odd weeks
ahead will wear me down
and make me cry
as all long time spans do,


but these hills and 
misread maps
are making the going intriguing!


So let us do 
this thing.


Let us run into the night
waving our arms
in madness
and beauty
because
we are going
to 
own this.


All of it. 

Take On Me

Sometimes
I am absolutely ignited
in my veins and my blood
to be something.


To make whatever I want
and to become who I am,
to be.


And it is the most
intensely bittersweet feeling
I know, it is so hard to describe
unless you too have felt
the gripping pain and
unending joy
of knowing what you want
from your life,
of knowing beyond 
human doubt 
where you must go
and what you must make.


Nothing is as 
life-changing
and spirit-bending as
these moments of 
clarity and undiluted awareness
-in which the body 
sighs and the soul
alights.


These moments are
fires, they are sparklers
or flares in the deep night,
bright awareness.


There is knowing.


Awareness of art.
Of difficulty.
Of ambition.
Of determination.


These blinding, fiery moments
remind me of why I am
still here and why I am 
still living.

Police and Thieves

I'm feeling alright,
feeling ok.
Thinking I'm going to do 
just fine.


And if something 
comes up and I'm like 
"what is this?"
I think I won't fall apart.
I will still be glued together
in a semi-permanent sort of way,
my head will not fall off.


I've put in enough 
effort,
I am deciding
to try to enjoy tonight,
because it's only three days of my life,
and it's really
just 
whatever
in the general scheme of things.


I'm done for now.


I'm going to dye my hair teal.


It's going to look nice.


I'm excited.

Expo '86

Whoever made Lucky Charms
obviously had an affinity
for the shapes of cat food.
Why else would the grain-bits
be shaped thusly? 


But dehydrated marshmallows 
are pretty rad,
so I guess we can let this 
one cat-food shaping incident
slide. 


But 
I'm eating cereal
being nostalgic
getting ready to write a poem
wanting to write prose.


I'm sleepy
and everything feels like molasses.
A syrupy froth 
has been layered over
my functioning.


I guess that's alright,
I didn't have any grand plans 
for this weekend anyway.


This was pointless.
But I was puzzling 
over the cat food thing
and decided to blog it out.


Goodnight sleepy folk.

Desperately Happy.

Ha. Not with exams around.

Best I Ever Had

It's petty.
But fuck that.


Let's be blunt.


I want you.


More than I am
usually willing to admit.


More than I should.


In more ways
than I should divulge.


But so what?


Nobody's telling me I'm crazy
nobody's laughing at me,
and nobody says anything
to the contrary.


And yeah,
fuck it.


I hate how 
I have these intense
feelings I can't get over
for you.


Yes you,
of course it's you,
it's been you for so long.
I can't even see
past it anymore.


I want you.


And what's more is
I can't have you.
I don't think I ever will.


Sometimes a song comes on
in the car
and I am overcome with this
desperate, ugly longing
I harbor in what is 
becoming my soul.
You are engrained into me,
these fibers of myself
know I love you.


And those songs
will sometimes 
make me want to cry.


I wish I could listen to
bands without 
being reminded of you.


Part of me is so dependent
on your existence.


I think I understand the
total vulnerability of human hearts and souls
because of you.
I wouldn't pin this agony
on anybody.


I would not make anybody 
have such thoughts
or gut-wrenching feelings.


You have somebody,
I swear.
You're with her.
I know it.


I want something
with you.


Because nothing serious can ever happen
between us,
I want something
intense and quick and maybe
brutally lusty.


Any piece of you 
you'd offer me,
I'd probably take it,
with no questions asked.


Because I am horrible.


I am in love with
in lust with
in longing with
in being with you.


Damn it.
I want you.