Best I Ever Had

It's petty.
But fuck that.


Let's be blunt.


I want you.


More than I am
usually willing to admit.


More than I should.


In more ways
than I should divulge.


But so what?


Nobody's telling me I'm crazy
nobody's laughing at me,
and nobody says anything
to the contrary.


And yeah,
fuck it.


I hate how 
I have these intense
feelings I can't get over
for you.


Yes you,
of course it's you,
it's been you for so long.
I can't even see
past it anymore.


I want you.


And what's more is
I can't have you.
I don't think I ever will.


Sometimes a song comes on
in the car
and I am overcome with this
desperate, ugly longing
I harbor in what is 
becoming my soul.
You are engrained into me,
these fibers of myself
know I love you.


And those songs
will sometimes 
make me want to cry.


I wish I could listen to
bands without 
being reminded of you.


Part of me is so dependent
on your existence.


I think I understand the
total vulnerability of human hearts and souls
because of you.
I wouldn't pin this agony
on anybody.


I would not make anybody 
have such thoughts
or gut-wrenching feelings.


You have somebody,
I swear.
You're with her.
I know it.


I want something
with you.


Because nothing serious can ever happen
between us,
I want something
intense and quick and maybe
brutally lusty.


Any piece of you 
you'd offer me,
I'd probably take it,
with no questions asked.


Because I am horrible.


I am in love with
in lust with
in longing with
in being with you.


Damn it.
I want you.