1999

So the saying goes 

"we're gonna party like it's 1999"

I remember 1999.

I sat in my grandparents' living room

wrapped in a pink bunny blanket

with my dad in front of their 

television from like, 1979

and watched the ball drop.

And then it was the new millennium.

I was five.

Now I'm 17.

And I've never had a 

New Year's kiss

or partied hard

or drunk champagne. 

And every year

and can feel something

small inside of me die.

And I think for the past three or four years

I've cried every new year.

I don't know why.

I have some insane fear

of the new year,

something I cannot really understand

nor contain.

And this was the first year I wasn't with

my family when the ball dropped

and it was weird.

It felt jarring and distancing.

I feel so weird right now.

Where am I going?

What is going on for this year?

Why can't I just go to bed tonight

and feel optimistic and excited

for this stupidly new year?

I am confused, 

and yes, 

a little scared.

The years roll by and we can't stop time

and there's no way of knowing where we're headed

or what will happen to us

or why.

We're stuck reflecting on the 

beautiful times and the tragedies 

of this year

and we're forced to remember and become nostalgic

and think of our shortcomings

or goals for what lies ahead.

It's all disillusioning.

And I hate it.

New Year's always

really upsets me.

Honestly,

I just want a good dance party

with kick ass bass and balloons

and tons of people

somewhere with bright lights.

I want some champagne and

silver confetti and shiny dresses

and yeah, however cliche,

I want a new year's kiss.

And then I want to dance everything off and

scream and shout and laugh too loudly.

I don't want time to look back and see everything

and get sad.

But don't take this into consideration-

enjoy your new year,

the proverbial clean slate,

take it and make it into something

beautiful,

because I don't know how.