All I Want For Christmas Is You*

It's really quite
funny how awful today
was, even though I was at home.

But, to spite
all the nay-sayers
in my life,
(who are quickly piling up)
I have one glorious thing for you
all,
and while it only applies to 
those who understand AV geekdom,
alas.

I FOUND A CONVERTER.

Yeah, that's right.
They exist
on Amazon for
the amazingly low price
of $10.88

HOLLAH

(Yeah, I said it)

Yep,
with a nice
little S-Video
and RCA hook-up on end
and a gret little USB 2.0 
at the other end.

And you know what that means?

In layman's terms

Old beige AV box
can be friends
with laptop.

And while it may not work out for
this Friday,
it's going to work out.

So suck it, 
nay-sayers
and negative nellies.

Because I found one answer
today.

And one was enough
for one day. 

Tomorrow will be a different story.


*The song refers to the cord,
all I want for Christmas is that converter cord.

Little Fury Bugs

I knew that once I'd given you my
poetry it was a sign
that I trusted you.
Every paper-clipped packet
of poems that landed on
your desk in these three years
was an extension of myself
that I trusted you with.

I don't think I trust you anymore.

I'm not sure I'll ever be able to
give you poems ever again,
or talk to you about real life
anymore.

I'm really, really saddened by this.
I was sure we'd be friends.
I could trust you.
I told you a lot of things
I hadn't really told other people.
Something about you 
different and I thought
maybe we were similar,
but I think you've changed,
and I know I've changed,
and maybe we just can't be 
friends ever.

It doesn't matter
if you once said
I was your favorite poet,
in jest or seriously
I don't know.

It doesn't matter 
that we've spent hours 
talking about literature.

It doesn't matter that
you helped me get through
my first anxiety attack
and told me you cared.

You've been rude to me lately,
you've been absolutely
different and I don't
like this version of you.

I don't think you care,
I don't think you're sincere,
and I don't trust you.

As soon as you started acting
like a jerk,
I revoked every nice thing
I'd ever said about you. 

Born on the Bayou

I feel like I'm disappointing everyone in my life,
and they are disappointing me.
It's a funny symbiosis. 

I'm not good enough,
but neither is anyone else.

And to get anything off the ground
I have to do it myself.
I guess I wouldn't mind
if I had an ounce of support.

People are like
"I support your decision"
and then tell me why I should
change my mind.

People are telling
me I ambitious
but am ultimately going to fail.

People aren't even speaking to me
at all,
I learned to live with it.

I don't even so much mind
the disappointment,
the feeling that I'm pissing everyone off.

It's the unwillingness
to talk about it.

Axiom

Lately
I've been getting scared
late at night,
about leaving.

About being far away
next year.
Because I love my family
and am scared to leave them.

But this only happens so late at night,
I get delusional and
cry,
because why would I leave?

Why would I do that?
Why do I need to be so far away?

And yet it's the only place I know
I belong.
But I will miss them so terribly.
My poor family.
I will be so sad,
and it will be hard to come home,
the train ride is 12 hours.

I'll have to wait for holidays,
I'll have to settle for skype and 
texting,
and I will be scared
and lonely 
and sad
with such distance,
at least for a while.

It's scary,
to think about.
And in the dark and
the calm
it's all I can do to 
not go and hug my parents
and wake them up. 

I can't really think about the future.
At all.

-----

On a lighter note.

It's snowing,
it is snowing and it's beautiful
and it's making me so, so happy.
I don't care if it sticks,
I don't care if there is absolutely no accumulation.
It's snowing dammit,
and that's awesome.

And we're having Thanksgiving II
at my house today,
for the first time ever.
It's going to be nice. 
I'm excited.

Cast Your Fate to the Wind

Hello.
I'm going to be cliche,
as it is the thanks-giving holiday,
and tell you all what I am thankful for.

I'm thankful for my friends,
those who have stuck with me 
through the worst year of my life.
Those wonderful people
who I love.

My fabulous family,
without them I may not
be here today.
They are my anchor.

The world.
I am thankful for its
beauty, and its mystery
and its vastness.
I am thankful especially for 
the existence of New York City.

I'm thankful for my health
and my life
and my struggle.
Challenges make life interesting.

And the opportunities I have been given
this year,
I am thankful for the chances 
I have to make things better.

I'm thankful for my education,
and those who help to provide it,
the wonderful things I have learned
in this life that have sparked curiosity.

Love, and its consequences and
all kinds of it,
my love for my family,
my friends, for all the beautiful things
around me.

I have a lot to be thankful for.
I hope you all do too.
Have a nice day with your
families eating lots of food and 
watching football and the parade.
Laugh a lot and be happy,
we all deserve a good day
and this one should be good.

Hello holidays.
Welcome.

Winter Song

Self-loathing
party of one?

Self-loathing party of one.

Oh, silly me.

Something's Rattling

Meh.
I just want to hug you really
really badly.
But I won't even see you this week
and I am full of a lot of feels
and I am confused.
I just know I like you
a lot a lot
and I want to hug you and
maybe like,
kiss you a little.

We could watch
the Royal Tenenbaums 
on the sofa in the dark.
Then we could go out for a walk
and get cookies
and sit on a bench.
And we could look at the stars.

We could make up our own constellations,
and you'd talk really quiet
and we'd wear our cute coats
and hold hands maybe.

I'd tell you you're
cute and stuff.
Maybe you'd even whisper
something cute in my ear.

We'd laugh like stupid people
and I think that would be the best night
of my life.

I'll go on dreaming.