Christmas Eve Sarajevo

It felt like Christmas.
It hasn't in years.
I got excited last night,
I was happy today
and it felt like it should have.
Maybe it was the snow,
maybe it was magic.

I don't care,
because I really liked it.
I had such a wonderful time
with my family.
And I felt so much closer to 
my cousins this year.
We all talked and hung out together,
I even talked to my cousin's girlfriend,
she's so nice, we're just both
slightly awkward/shy.

We gave airbrush tattoos on Sunday,
and my great aunt
jokingly called us
all dirty whores,
and my great uncle was a ridiculous as ever.
It was a good time.
With promises to hang out with 
some of my family here soon.

I had a lovely Christmas morning at home,
and it was just nice.
We cooked eggs on the stove
because or oven is broken and we couldn't make
anything else.
My parents liked their gifts.
I got what I asked for.
We had fun.

This was a good Christmas.

I forgot all about my stupid feels,
and had a good time.

White Christmas

So of course
out of the blue
I think I have a 
crush on a guy
who is actually my age
and who actually 
might even slightly
like me back?

Woah, life,
hold up,
slow down.

Because that one
guy I like
and have liked for three
years is being such a jerk-idiot,
and makes me anxious and scared
and feel bad,
so life is like

"TAKE THESE NEW FEELS"

and I am like

ohmygod no.

Facebook chat pops up
-ping-
and I see who it's from
and my stomach is like,
doing summersaults 
and I had no idea what was going
on and then,
perhaps I like him?

Maybe?
Is that what a crush feels like?
I don't know
because I haven't experienced anything
like that in a long time.

Maybe this will be good for me?
Or maybe I'll just continue to be very
confused and
consumed.

Maybe he even likes me?
Woah, like that could ever happen.

Whatever.

God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen

I kind of want to spend
break by myself,
alone and not have to 
see anyone,
or talk to anyone.
I wouldn't need to answer my phone,
or whatever.
Sleep
and read and
avoid the problems of a human reality.

I'd like two weeks to myself,
maybe. 
To catch up with how I feel.
To plan for the coming year.

Do They Know It's Christmastime?

I hate feeling sick all the time.
I hate feeling weak
and exhausted
most of the week.
I don't know what's wrong with me,
nor does anyone else.

But I'm tired of being sick.
I want to have enough energy to
stand in choir
without my knees quivering.

I want to stop feeling dizzy
all the time,
and so tired and lethargic
I can't be bothered to do anything.

I'm too weak to go work out,
because it'll make me hurt even more.

I couldn't sleep last night
due to restless and aching bones
all over.

What's wrong with me?
All the blood tests always come back fine.

Is it all in my head,
the pain and the dizziness
and the lethargy.

I know the general distaste for life
is up there,

but the physical is different, right?

And I need to stop being so pissy
and angry all the time.
I don't feel like myself
when I'm angry.
I need to sleep
until I wake up semi-normal again.

Just enough to look human again,
just enough to get it together
and not collapse when everyone
looks away
into a little dusty heap of bones.

I'm sorry (not sorry) for complaining,
but I honestly can't even function.

It doesn't even matter that break is pretty close,
or that I have a lot of good plans coming up,
I have no energy or excitement for anything.

All I Want For Christmas Is You*

It's really quite
funny how awful today
was, even though I was at home.

But, to spite
all the nay-sayers
in my life,
(who are quickly piling up)
I have one glorious thing for you
all,
and while it only applies to 
those who understand AV geekdom,
alas.

I FOUND A CONVERTER.

Yeah, that's right.
They exist
on Amazon for
the amazingly low price
of $10.88

HOLLAH

(Yeah, I said it)

Yep,
with a nice
little S-Video
and RCA hook-up on end
and a gret little USB 2.0 
at the other end.

And you know what that means?

In layman's terms

Old beige AV box
can be friends
with laptop.

And while it may not work out for
this Friday,
it's going to work out.

So suck it, 
nay-sayers
and negative nellies.

Because I found one answer
today.

And one was enough
for one day. 

Tomorrow will be a different story.


*The song refers to the cord,
all I want for Christmas is that converter cord.

Little Fury Bugs

I knew that once I'd given you my
poetry it was a sign
that I trusted you.
Every paper-clipped packet
of poems that landed on
your desk in these three years
was an extension of myself
that I trusted you with.

I don't think I trust you anymore.

I'm not sure I'll ever be able to
give you poems ever again,
or talk to you about real life
anymore.

I'm really, really saddened by this.
I was sure we'd be friends.
I could trust you.
I told you a lot of things
I hadn't really told other people.
Something about you 
different and I thought
maybe we were similar,
but I think you've changed,
and I know I've changed,
and maybe we just can't be 
friends ever.

It doesn't matter
if you once said
I was your favorite poet,
in jest or seriously
I don't know.

It doesn't matter 
that we've spent hours 
talking about literature.

It doesn't matter that
you helped me get through
my first anxiety attack
and told me you cared.

You've been rude to me lately,
you've been absolutely
different and I don't
like this version of you.

I don't think you care,
I don't think you're sincere,
and I don't trust you.

As soon as you started acting
like a jerk,
I revoked every nice thing
I'd ever said about you.