All the Small Things

Aside,
I am overwhelmed
and confused.


Frightened and 
in turmoil.


I cannot sleep,
ever. Unless I
drug myself.
I am sick of drinking
children's allergy medicine
every night to make 
me fall and stay asleep.


If I don't though,
I would be up all night
torturing myself
with all of these thoughts.


So I suck it up and take
the cherry flavored
shit and fall asleep in
a sad state every night
because of what I have become
without my consent.


I am scared because
people around me
are so sad and misguided,
and I fear for them
and I cry for their pain.


I do not know what I am
doing with my life.
It feels like nothing.
It feels like a lot of 
fucking nothing.


But my motivation is 
drained, has been for
months. I am lost and
alone, it feels like.


I don't want to fall
into this again.
But it feels all to familiar
and I hate myself
for letting it happen.


And it doesn't make sense
from the outside.


And now I can hardly
ever write and it kills
me. Twists up my soul
and drains it all out
and I get frustrated
because there is nothing 
I feel I can do.


The helplessness is the
worst part.