Emit Remus

Best, pretty much.

I feel weird- sometimes I realize what I have been through (don't scoff or whatever, it may not be much, but it's enough) and I realize how much I have changed. I don't know if it comes off as such, but I'm different. I'm more of a realist these days. I am more level-headed, less excitable, I do not care much about what other people think. My outlook on life has changed. My mind has changed. I am someone I wasn't a year ago, or even six months ago. I realize the bridges I've burned, the decisions I've made, and the things I have done. Things I wouldn't have considered at another time. I am easily annoyed. I am still a perfectionist. I take medication daily- I wouldn't have ever thought I would do that to myself. But you realize, curled in one bed or another, in your home or in a hospital- you realize that things have changed. That they are not good; that it isn't all your own fault. You realize you want to feel better. And that's when things happen and somehow medication came to be a factor. The insomnia is a factor as well, as unwanted as it is. Sometimes it just hits me- how incredibly low I felt. I haven't felt that way in a month- I am very glad for that. I guess it makes me stronger to realize that I can survive what I did. And yes, I say 'survive', because it truly is a matter of surviving. There have been days when getting out of my bed was an agonizing victory. You cannot understand until you've been there. I didn't understand what it meant to be depressed until January. Then I understood. I get it now, I live it. But I have come to terms with it, somedays. 

Sorry for another depression rant, they just come out sometimes.