We Are Never Getting Back Together

(Title for ironic and blogging purposes only, I hate T-Swift...)

It's a really interesting feeling
to have your mother taking
your advice.
It's weird, and kind of backwards
but it made me feel really good.
Like I had validated something.

Because I've known this to
be true for a while now,
and I told her
that sometimes you have to 
take care of yourself
before anyone else
and that's ok.

Because that's what I said 
when asked about taking a 
"W", 
what would I tell the colleges?

That's what I would tell them.

Some things are more important than
school,
some things are more important
than pleasing others and the status quo.

Sometimes you really need to 
take care of yourself first.
Because without your health
you aren't worth anything
to anyone...

And I received a slightly shocked
look from my counselor,
as she told me that a very valid answer.

And I needed to take care of myself.
I was falling apart, being run ragged
by a class, a group of people, myself,
and someone who used I once trusted
but he's changed too much.

I don't feel quite free yet,
but I'm slowly shaking off my chains
one at a time.
I'm slowly understanding I don't have
to deal with that stress
and duress and insanity anymore.
It's not my responsibility.

And I don't think he understood me at all.
Because he doesn't understand that I can't just
change myself to suit the
environment.
Having an anxiety disorder makes those
things very difficult.

He doesn't get that.
And he can be mad at me and hate
me or whatever,
but I don't have to deal with that anymore.

I didn't walk away from a sinking ship.
I didn't leave everyone to perish.
I didn't light the match
that started the fire.
I was trying to contain everything,
but failed.
Hard.
So I knew I had to pick up my things
and leave to minimize the damage.

I know things are different in the class
this year,
and that different was not working for me at all.

But I salvaged my love for making
film, I salvaged my infant desire.
And I'll carry it to college,
and through my film and lit. class.

And I'll be ok.
I'll show everyone that
I did the right thing.
You can question me all you want,
but I stand firm and without regret.