South Dakota

I forgot what it was like to daydream
about boys.
It hadn't happened in a long time.
And then suddenly,
it was just
Oh, wouldn't it be nice
to just be together?

And maybe he likes me,
maybe he's just a really nice guy,
but I lack initiative to 
do anything,
I am scared of putting him off.
I just want to slip my hand
into his and say,
I like you, ok.

And then our hands could
stay together and the warmth
would be nice.

We could do our homework
together, sitting at the
long tables at the library lit
by green lamps,
the soft light
is soothing.

We could take drives
and walks,
we could cook together.
We could sing together,
or watch television together.

But I worry
that if I try,
I'll be wrong,
you won't like me.
But if I wait
and don't say anything,
I worry I'm losing time.

You are a complex creature 
I cannot fathom,
and I want so very badly
to understand you.
To just sit down
over cups of coffee or tea
and talk for a long time.

Batmobile

Do you ever have those feelings
that you're a total
fraud?
At everything you do?

I don't even feel real,
but it's not like I'm faking it.
This is who I am,
right?
Or am I just building
on a bad foundation?

I don't know,
looking at the Riot Grrrl
movement 
made me go,
"Am I really
a feminist?
Am I doing it right?"

Am I really a person,
am I doing it right?

Sleep the Clock Around

And then I got confused.
You know how sometimes
you catch a glimpse of someone
and then the world
slows down for a moment?
Ugh.
I saw you walk across the library
and thought
that is such a cute shirt on you
then I caught myself
and was so disgusted
with the thought.
So what if it was a nice shirt?
So what if it was on a nice
looking body?
It is a body that houses
a rude and 
selfish person.
I got duped.

And I hate that feeling,
you're like,
but maybe I like you,
maybe I'm over this.

I have to remind myself
that I am not over
the rudeness I had to 
deal with,
I am not over the
attitude with which you
treated me.
You were a flat out jerk.
But a cute one.
And funny sometimes,
smart.
You helped me in a lot of ways.
Until you decided I was really just
in the way, I was over-ambitious.
I remind myself that 
so many things will never happen
because I'm not there.
Have fun with that,
you suck 
for making me confused.

I just want to forget you.
Life is short
but so is your patience
so we may never talk again.

I like someone else
now,
and he is better.
Nicer,
more genuine.

I wish he liked me.

Chickfactor

You know what's really annoying?
Being on medications that make you gain weight.
Like, what is this shit?
And it's a thing,
a lot of anti-depressants cause weight gain.
And people on all these forums
say they've been exercising more and
watching their diets and still gain,
which is my problem.

I think it's pretty shitty that
a medication made to make you feel
better in one way
makes you feel like crap 
in another.

Nobody likes getting fatter.

And it's annoying me to no end.
Every time I go to the doctor's,
I weigh more.
More and more and more.
I can't handle it.

I eat really well,
I swear,
I eat better than some people, even.
And I work out,
I've been trying so hard,
but I GAIN weight.
I can't lose a single ounce.

And I'll keep gaining and gaining,
and when I get upset over it
my mother just says,
it's the medicine.
I know, but that's no comfort.

It's driving me into a place
I don't like at all.
Like, I'm trying to eat as little calories as possible,
but I like food a lot,
so it's hard.
Like I eat so much fruit
and low fat yogurt and cereal
and low fat everything.
If there's a low fat, low-cal version
of a normal food
I'll buy that instead even if it tastes awful.
I haven't had full-fat ice cream
in a long, long time,
I can't let myself slip.
If I eat a pop-tart
I'll be mad at myself all day.

And all this valentine's day candy is stressing me out.
And my family eats whatever they want,
and the world eats whatever they want,
but that's ok
because most of the world isn't on
two anti-depressants and a sleeping aid.
I simply look at a cake
and gain five pounds
because of this medication.

I wish I could be super, super healthy
and work out everyday
and lose the fifty pounds I want to.
Then I'd be healthier
and feel better
and look nicer,
I would just feel so much better about my body.
I want to accept my body,
but when you keep gaining mysterious weight
it's hard.
Like, I really liked my body
25 pounds ago.
I did.
I looked ok.
Now I have a huge muffin top
and all I want to do is hide in big shirts
because I don't want people seeing my
fat tummy.
And even in my face
I've gained weight
and it makes me so sad to look in the mirror,
because I could be 25 pounds lighter
if it weren't for these medicines.

I eat better than I ever have,
I think,
but I'm slipping
because it's harder to see the point
when you gain weight no matter what you do.

And then I beat myself up
because nobody can love a body like mine.
No boy wants to have a fat girlfriend.

Nobody wants 
a body like this.

Fuck This Shit

Well you know,
sometimes
it's good
and most times
it's average.
And that leftover part
is the bad.

And it's not spread out over your
life smoothly, evenly.
Sometimes there are lumps of 
good, like sugar cubes,
and sometimes there's a long
stretch of tar-like bad days.

And I can't seem to deny,
Sarte was so right, so so
right,
Hell is other people,
he said.
Because what else limits
you but other people.
We have to live with each other
and this kills
our freedom
mostly.

And if I could separate my lives from
most people
I would.
Just take my scissors
and cut the kite-lines
that connect me to 
the other humans,
not all of them,
but most.

Or maybe if I could erase my
memory
like in Eternal Sunshine,
then maybe.

But geez,
what are we supposed to do
with all the tangled lines
that criss-cross us
and tie up our bodies?

Cut free
cut free.

The lack of anything good

I took a bath a few days ago when I was 
really sad,
and found that I just sort of laid there
and stared at nothing for
20 minutes.
Not thinking,
not worrying,
staring without seeing.

It's weird.
It's not being in a normal daze,
it's like you're trying to 
look for somewhere else,
like your brain is trying
very hard to
right itself
and maybe open more of your brain
up.
It's like autopilot.

And you know how sometimes
you want to cry really hard,
you can feel it coming
and you just know it would make
you feel so much better?

It won't come,
I can feel it,
but then my eyes
and nose start to burn
and I let out a huge yawn instead.
I'm being robbed.

And now I'll take four medications a day,
and maybe I'll never be 
completely balanced,
and maybe things don't get much 
better than this
and I have to learn to live like this.

And it's always a great experience
to step onto the scale
and see,
oh,
you gained more weight.
Despite working out harder,
despite trying to eat better,
because all of your medications 
make you retain weight.
I'll never be thin,
maybe never even a normal, healthy weight.
My mom told me she gained a lot weight
when she started taking medicine too.
But that's not consolation for
an obese teenager
who can't bring herself
to love her body.

I just keep gaining weight,
more and more,
and I wish I didn't like food
and never got hungry
like some people seem to.
I wish I could subsist on 
like, 
kale or some other shitty
thing people eat to be healthy.

Sorry I can't be perfect,
me. 
Sorry for being a let down to
yourself.
Sorry for never being pretty.
Sorry for never being healthy.
Sorry for always stress-eating.
Sorry for being a fuck-up.
Sorry for ruining our life.

Sorry, to the good part of me,
for ruining you with bad days
and bad brain chemistry.

Strike it Up

This is me.
Sitting here
and being angry
about our dumb
NHS monthly meeting
at the glorious hour of 6:45
tomorrow morning.

Please gag me.
What in the hell do I care
what a bunch of 
"smart" do-gooders
want to do? 
What plans we have to
"improve our community"?

Don't care.
Want to stay in bed all day.
Don't want to say a word to anybody.
Unfeeling.
I am either
sad or angry.
That's it.

And since I'm
being a recluse
people ask questions
and I just don't want
to answer
because there are no answers.
"What wrong?"

Nothing.
My brain.
It's my brain
and there's no reason but that
but some people don't take the answer.
Some people are concerned.
Which is so nice,
but I please don't.
There's nothing you can do,
so please don't waste your time.

I'm just not all here.
Or all there.
I'm not thinking.
I'm not feeling.

Don't care
don't care.
Want to sleep.