Ronnie

I want to 
love this body,
the vessel of my spirit.

I want to embrace the folds
in my tummy,
and my thunder thighs
but I have a hard time with it.

I want a guy to like me for me,
but I feel like they never will because
I am fat.
Boys don't like fat girls.

I don't like myself,
so that sort of gives everyone
else the right to not like me either.
And the worst part is
I have never been
bullied for my weight,
nobody has ever laughed at me
or made mean jokes
except myself.

People don't care about my weight
but I do.

And I can't stop.
But I can't get thin either
because I love food.
It makes me happy to cook
and to enjoy dinner with my friends.

It makes me happy.
And I've been taught that
that's bad,
I shouldn't reward myself with food
like I'm a dog.

And sometimes I get sad
like this
and all I want is a glass of chocolate milk.
But I won't let myself have it because
I'm fat.

I have a problem.

I just wish I could love healthy foods
and I wish I could run on the treadmill
for miles on end.
Instead I love bad foods
and can only run a couple tenths of a mile
at a time.

I try.
I swear.
But I fail because I don't try hard enough.
Maybe I don't want it badly enough.
Maybe my body is telling me it's ok
to be like this.
But the media and my heart
are saying no
you're ugly.
Stop eating that hummus, bitch.
Don't eat those carbs,
don't even think about having a cookie.

But sometimes I eat the cookie anyway
and hate myself for it.

I want to be healthy.

I want to love my body.

I'm not sorry for complaining.
I can do whatever I want under this URL.