Silent Night

Sometimes.

You just stand in the shower

And cry.

Because sometimes,

Life gets you down.

And you cry so hard you make sounds,

And you clutch at your mouth to

Shut yourself up,

Even though you know the water-sounds

Hide your little sob-hiccups,

But you

Just

Don't

Want

To

Hear

Yourself

Give

Up.

You can't bear to acknowledge

That tomorrow

Won't suddenly be beautiful.

And you stand there

Sobbing ridiculously,

At all the petty little things,

And you pull your hand away from your face

To realize that oh, you have a bloody nose.

And somehow, you cave in like a poorly built tent,

And you cry a little harder,

Over things that never mattered,

Until now.

And I wonder,

How much of this stupid type of stress

Can one girl take?

Until she becomes a little wisp of what she once was.

I want to be happy for Christmas.

Although, nothing bad has ever happened to me,

And I feel so silly crying and crying,

Because there is nothing wrong with me.

Some people actually deserve the right to

Their tears.

I,

Do not.

I'm just a stupid girl

Who is giving up for tonight.

And tomorrow.

And maybe even Friday, too.

Break is not break.

It's stress

Looming big and dark and cold

Over me,

And there's nothing I can do

But stand in the shower

And sob my little shoulder-quaking sobs,

And hold the wad of dampened tissues to my face

As the water still rains on me,

So hot it makes me want to

Throw up.

And yet, nothing has happened to me.

I am just being silly,

I am just some silly girl,

Who doesn't know

Anything

But stress.

And my tears are not earned, but stolen.

Because really,

I'm perfectly fine.

Sometimes,

The little slick tear-trails

Betray me.

I am fine.

And I'll never let myself be anything but that.

Just.

Fine.