I'm Going Down

"I woke up in the middle of the night one night,

And I felt so unworthy,

Didn't bother me too much,

I think I am unworthy,

And everybody's unworthy of everybody else

These days." - Ezra Furman and The Harpoons.

I woke up one day

And it suddenly felt just like

Any other Sunday.

Some ordinary day,

That wasn't a conclusion

To two weeks' vacation.

That was this morning,

And now it's tonight.

And I'm tired of my family,

But I'm not tired of

Not having to wake up and

Function like an awake and alive

Member of society.

And raise my hand to talk,

Along with following some

Schedule regulated by bells.

What are we?

Dogs?

I don't miss swimming through hallways

Of swearing and jegging-clad dramatics.

I do not miss school.

I only miss people.

I realized

How pretentious and

Stupid

And artificial

I am.

Writing poetry

And playing records.

I overheard a conversation today

Between a boy who makes electronic music

And some adult,

And the adult seemed very enthralled

And the boy,

He sounded excited and educated.

And people listened to him.

Is music so different from poetry?

People, they see poetry-writing as

some angst-filled, childish form of expression

Meant for teenagers with low self-esteem.

Until you're famous,

Then people worship your work.

But now,

I am afraid to say I write poetry.

I truly am.

It makes me afraid of what people think of me.

Do they think I'm some silly girl who writes washed up,

Cliched love poems?

Do they think I'm just a loser?

I shouldn't care.

But I do.

I can't help it.

I feel like a little pretentious hipster

Who doesn't know how to do anything useful.

It makes me horribly upset.

And if I didn't love poetry so much,

I'd just give it up.

But it's too late now,

It's integral.

I don't want to talk about it,

I don't want to talk about art

Or films

Or music.

Yet, it's really all I want to talk about.

I certainly hate conflict.

And who or what made me feel this way?

I am not aware.

You know that feeling you get when a holiday is wearing off?

When you suddenly feel jet-lagged and tired, and pissed off?

Oh man,

It's here.

I certainly hope I can wake up and be a little less aggravated than I do right now.

Adieu and goodnight.