a size too big for me.
Like I bought it,
thinking "This will fit,
I'm sure of it."
And then snipped off the tags
and realized,
oh wait. Maybe it doesn't fit so well.
I feel like I'm in over my head sometimes.
I expect a lot of myself, I guess,
and sometimes I don't deliver on my
own expectations. I expect myself
to ace all of my classes.
To be able to be a shoo-in for NHS,
to work and make things perfect.
To be a lot more than I am.
A lot more than I am even capable of being.
And my classes are stressing me out
a little bit.
This project is stressing me out a lot.
The national honor society application
is terrorizing me.
Because
I know
I am not good enough to get in.
I have nothing to put down in those blanks
about being a leader, about helping my community.
I have nothing to offer to the rest of the world.
Because the rest of the world doesn't care.
I won't be inducted
because I am not a good person.
I don't have the credentials.
I don't have what it takes to be that good.
Regardless of the fact that I expect that of myself.
I fall short a lot.
I most certainly am my own worst critic,
but someone has to be, right?
I think we all get ourselves in too deep,
somewhere, at some time.
We realize we're in some hole
we've dug for ourselves
and the only way out
is how we got there in the first place.
We have to work for ourselves.
We have to be these people
we never thought we were.
And I guess, some get there,
and some don't.
And I guess I'll either make it,
or I won't.
Despite my standards,
despite my efforts.
(Which appear to somehow be
absolutely zero right now.)
---
You know how adults never let teenagers
onto the same level as them?
Ever noticed how that works?
We are all so very stratified,
nobody wants to be equal,
to talk like we're all people.
I don't like the labeling of
"teenagers" and "adults",
because I think a lot of those individuals
can mesh nicely,
if only they'd let it happen.
So we present the super-rough-hardly-even-put-on-the-timeline
draft of this levy video to some "adults"
(I say as much because I assume they would accept the term) today, right?
And we have worked our fucking asses off on this, right?
We stayed at school until 8 last night,
five tonight,
and have put countless hours of passion and determination into this, right?
And they were so cool about it.
So detatched.
Critical.
And had a little bit
of that gross
"Adult Condescension"
that people over the age of 20
really enjoy using, it seems.
Talking to us like we weren't so much
the freaking creators of this project
as just dumb kids.
At points we were talked to through our instructor,
(who, thank god, somehow managed to transcend catching
the irreparable disease of condescension; he acts like we're all equals)
which was, frankly, insulting.
If you've got something to say about our work,
say it to us, please.
It makes me so sad to realize
that my peers and I,
who are honest, awesome, kind people
with a killer work ethic,
can be so easily talked down to.
Why?
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