Don't Speak

It's annoying when my body image bother me so much.
There are so many other, more important things
I could worry about or fret over
than how I look.

So when I tried on my homecoming dress
to show my visiting grandparents,
it was one of those horrible
moments, because
it wouldn't zip.
Five minutes of tugging and coaxing 
and finally it zipped,
but it was...
snug.
I couldn't really sit down or breathe.

So immediately I google 
crash diets, ways to lose
water weight, and no-carb diets.
Just look at how healthy I am...

Why do I care so much?
Is it so important to lose 
weight? It's not healthy to
be obsessed with an ideal
I can't achieve.
I don't like my body, ok?

I never have.
I'd like to, but I can't bring myself
to do it.
I am a victim of the media
and celebrities and those skin-and-bone
models. I am a victim of the looks of guys
who find me unattractive.

Sorry to victimize myself,
but it's been ridiculous lately.
I always slightly obsess when I gain a little,
but this is insane.

I worked out for an hour and went to the sauna Monday,
after eating only 1 carb that day.
And on Tuesday and Wednesday- one carb.

I haven't had caffeine or bread
and I've been hungry,
but I'm still so unhappy.
Because there's no change.
Nothing at all.
And it scared me
when I was like "I'm hungry."
and my mom goes, "well you can't starve yourself."

Why do I have zero metabolism?
Why can't I get rid of my pudge?

And the bigger question-
why can't I just love myself?

I hate looking in full-length mirrors,
and I hate putting on my ever-shrinking jeans
in the morning.

I can't get the idea of 'pretty' out of me.
I can't see myself as pretty.
It's not happening.

Why?