A Formal Introduction

DISCLAIMER: This is just going to be an unloading of really stupid angst, read at own risk.
I feel very strongly at times
that I am two people.
I want to be one, whole and complete person,
but my life won't allow it.

I'm forced to live in the future,
while still trying to remain in the present
and actually live my life.
One me is supposed to be very concerned
with college and my life and shit
that doesn't concernt he other me
because she is too sad to care,
because it's been like this for a long time.

And I thought once
that I couldn't do it anymore,
but now I realize what has happened-
the way I have split myself in two.

I don't ever think I'll be whole again,
because when one thing
ends another takes its place and so
life goes on.
And I'm not equipped to deal with that,
never will be.

And so I am crying while my dad
tells me to make my final list of colleges.
Because I'm so sick of it.
Sick of promise, and sick of my 'glorious' future.
I am only so disconcerted that
the Gypsies will not accpet me,
for maybe I could find peace somewhere.
But never here.
Never in my current body.

And in my tears,
somehow our impending vacation comes up.
My dad says we'll stay busy.
I tell him perhaps I jsut want to lie on the beach
for a week.
My mother tells me we are not going to the beach.

And I while I may be two people
both of the people are
locked in by the sea,
and so now my entire being
aches with this.

The waves languish in my bones,
roll over my ribcage and
want to to drown.
The tide is coming in too high.

I held out for three years
to see what I love
again, to see where I belong to,
and it has been in vain.
I will not see my beautiful home
this year,
I am not sure when.
And so my soul feels discontent
and gut-wrenching sadness.

My threads to the sea
don't make much sense to outsiders,
but if you cracked open
all my bones,
the salt water would flow out
and to its rightful place.

I cannot explain the feeling of my
connection in mere words,
but if I held you all close enough,
you'd hear the waves crashing in my
heartbeat, and you could then understand.

And so in my wandering
and sadness
I will instead find myself
in the Smoky mountains
for a week.
In a one-room, wood-paneled
cabin.
Doing things which involve humidity
and climbing and
chlorinated pools.
I'll have to pack tennis shoes
instead of flip flops,
anf only one bathing suit,
not three.

I now have to look forward to
a seven hour hell of a car trip
through Kentucky,
a horribly themed waterpark
courtesy of Dolly Parton,
and a cook-out by a creek.
Oh, and outlet malls-
which I don't like at all.

Where my parents went on their honeymoon,
how quaint, I agree.
But go by yuorselves,
leave me here,
because it is very much the same as there.

We have a mall close by,
a pool in town.
All we lack is the humidity.
And that's a good thing.

My bones are hurting,
and nobody will quite understand why.