I Could Be Dreaming

I feel the need to post,
having just gotten my internet
back from a three day hiatus. 


Without internet 
I do a lot of unproductive nothing. 
Or clean my room,
yeah I cleaned the whole
thing and killed a spider.
Success.


This is a delayed rant,
but I couldn't post 
when it was directly relevant:


Spending two hours around you
for a week
was crippling, really.


And I just read something that
said if your crush lasts
more than four months you're in love.
Well three years is definitely 
more than four months
and I do believe I am in love.


But you have somebody,
of course, because someone
like you doesn't just stay
single.


And then I had dream 
you got married last night.


The details of the dream make
no sense whatsoever.
But I was there
and it was agonizing.


And her face was disturbingly 
clear in my mind.
And I just wanted to cry.


Because you are 
the only guy I've ever
liked like this,
the only person I have
fallen in love with,


and dammit,
you are unattainable.
By all means and on all levels.


You have started to do your hair
different, and it's way too cute
for me to handle.
I walked in on Monday last week
and died a little,
you looked great and smiled 
all cute and I wanted to 
kiss you way more than 
is acceptable anywhere.


And then you read
all of the 18 pages I gave
you in one night,
which I would never
have expected you to do
ever. And then we sat on the floor
and talked about everything
like we do sometimes.


This is torture
and I wouldn't wish it
on my worst enemy.


I don't know how much
longer I can hold up,
before I crack 
and make a very bad decision.