I'm Just a Girl

So much, so much has happened
in the recent past in which
I haven't posted.


I just checked my first ever
lottery ticket. 
Only one number,
no money.
Better luck next time.
I fear I'll get addicted to 
the cheap gambling.


I just went swimming
with good people I love
in a warm pool with stars.
It was really lovely,
I enjoy nights like these.


I swam, went shopping.
Rode about with the windows 
down, how great.


And yesterday was my birthday,
ew. Meh.
I do not like my birthday.
I never will, I think.
I don't like endings/beginnings.
It made me really sad
and sort of irritable yesterday.
After my family went out to
dinner together
I sat in the car and wanted to 
cry.


I had a good party, a lovely
party with the people
I love all there.
We talked beneath lanterns
and stars and greenery.
It went well, I was not paranoid
during it, just a little bit afterwards,
that night.
But it was successful.


But the sadness comes back
a little when I'm alone.
I don't want to be 18.
I'm trying to talk it up
so I think it's a good thing.
But it isn't.
I don't like it.


A huge part of my life 
is gone.
All of my childhood is 
behind me.
And so you'd think I could start
being an adult.
No, 
I'm still in high school.
I hate that,
I'm a legal adult in high school,
stuck at this essential crossroads of my
life and unable to do anything
because I am in high school,
still.


I fear my life
is over,
without having ever begun.
I am so scared
because I feel so much
of my life has been a waste.


I need to make changes,
do new things, go new places,
get lost. 
Get really, really lost.
I want to do things
I should do at 18.
I want to be an adult.


But not at all.
I am not ready at all,
I'm just confused.


It's a number,
and I am not in line
with that number's stigma.


I am not reckless,
I won't go party
and have sex.


I won't do anything new.
Because I am me.
A boring girl.
Not a womanly adult.
But really, a girl.


I am 18
and have never
even held a boy's hand.


I am 18
and unlike everyone
else on the planet,
I've never even had a 
sip of alcohol.


I am 18
and far more mature than
that number says.


I am 18 and stuck
and scared and feeling
hopeless.


I want to be younger,
I want to do things.


All I want right now though
is for somebody to 
lie in bed
with me while I cry
about this dumb shit.


It makes me so sad
and confused,
I don't know what to do,
how to live my life 
anymore.


I've come to an impasse,
nothing is moving,
and it should because 
I am different now.
I have new rights.


But I'm still just a scared
little girl.