29.7.10

And In The End

I can't say much.
Really, there's not much to be said.
Nothing blog-worthy.
Nothing worth the electricity consumed in the writing of this.
So this is all.
All that will become of this post.
For I am tired.
Maybe tomorrow will bring more promise.
Goodnight, fair people.
I love you.

28.7.10

Brain Stew.

The title of this post is a Green Day song. It's out of the ordinary for me. As is everything else.
I want to sleep but I feel like I'll lie awake in agony.
My life is a lie. Cliche, but incredibly true. I hate it. I hate everything. I hate myself for hating everything. I just hate myself.
Life is a diversion. I want to live but I could say this a million times and not get anywhere. I am upset and in need of a pathetic crying rant. I am pathetic. What is my problem. It's awful. I'm vain. I'm horrid. I want to sleep. I want to just go away. Float. Crawl inside of myself and watch my soul die a little bit. I feel like it'd be awful, yet therapeutic. I want to write. I want to pathetically put words on the page and proclaim things that make no sense. I want to dance. I want to be good at something in life. I wan to much. I have enough. Enough to make most people happy, I'd say. But I guess I'm not most people, I'm just an annoying girl. With extravagant wants. "Swing Low, Sweet Chariot" just got stuck in my head. In that beautiful gospel sound. It's beautiful, really, but oddly out of place here.I can't stand my brain. It never stops. I never have peace in my mind. It's awful. I want to not think for two seconds. What does mental quiet sound like? Does it even exist? I can't say for sure, because it never happens to me. I'm always turning things over in my mind, and I don't like it so much.
I am unhappy.In this place where I am. So unhappy. But that's wrong to say. I am a horrible, awful, no-good person!! I can't stop! I can't!
I want somebody. ANYBODY to see this and slap me. Hard. I'm insane.

Imagine.
Imagine for me.
It's 1956. (I don't know why. It just is.)
There's a chrome and green pleather dining set in a small kitchen with yellow walls and green curtains.
And that's all there is to it.
But it's lovely, isn't it?
Lovely...

And imagine.
A field of wildflowers.
Like you spilled your paintbox onto the canvas. Imagine.
Look at how, from afar, the colors swirl into each other.
But up close, in detail, each one is its own being.
Like the human race itself.
It's like a valley of flowers.
Think on it.
It's true.

And it's odd, and it's great, and it's lovely, and it's lame.
It's everything.

This is nonsense, isn't it?
I can see myself becoming one of those writers who starts off sane and nice and ends up going insane and hermit-like for most of their life. It could happen. It just might. Or it's happening now. Or it's just teenage silliness.
But I doubt this. For I may be silly, but I am mentally stable. Indeed.

Mr. Tambourine Man.

Yeah. I can't think of anything else to say.
Other than: I'll live how I want to. I'll dance in the rain. And I'll always be weirder than I'd like.
But what is weird but a glorified normality?
I feel like I'd be able to drive people to distraction with my ponderings.

So. I bid thee farewell. I wish upon thee, dreams of the sweetest kind. And I hope you will all see me as sane.

Goodnight. I love you.

27.7.10

You're Not the Same.

So I'm sitting here in my old gym shorts and a man-shirt. By man-shirt, I mean one of those oversized t-shirts that's worn in and looks like it could belong to your boyfriend (Ex. Band shirt, car shirt, etc). If I had a boyfriend... you know? I realized starting with 'so' was probably a poor choice on my part, but I'll let it go this one time. And here we go.
But what can I say that hasn't been said!? It's taunting and annoying and... oh, I'll quit while I'm ahead.

But why should I?
Did I mention that I thought out an entire rant to send to my english teacher? Did I mention that I thought myself a bit insane at this point. You bet.

I'm hungry. Like, a lot.
Which can't be good. I don't like to eat. I'm skeptical. But at this exact moment in time. I want pizza.
I also want to be in New York City.
At a concert at Bowery Ballroom.
With a guy I admitted to loving a few posts ago.
Yeah. That's what I want right now.

I'm obsessed. It needs to stop.
Part of me just wants to scream at him, "I LIKE YOU."
But that'd be silly and create unneeded tension.
So I'll hide it away for a long, long time in hopes that it will dull.
It won't.

Enough about being a love-sick creep.

ON TO A MORE ROBUST TOPIC.
Like whaling? I know nothing of this.
Like sports? Again, nothing.
Robust for me is like, running around the block or hugging a stranger.
I'm pathetic.

Errr, so.
So. SO. I'll tell you what. I'm unhappy. As in, eternally unhappy.
Like a soul in unrest. That sounds like poor grammar.

Ah, I feel like this is dragging on boringly.
I apologize if I am boring you to death, my dear readers.
Or lack thereof.

Maybe I should go to bed.
Maybe I shouldn't.
Maybe I should stop deliberating about this.
This blog has no purpose.

Have another poem?

Where do silver linings go
When someone passes them by?
What happens to the wasted ones,
Neglected, cold, unwanted ones?

Do silver linings get recycled?
Bring another cheer?
When the one who's name was tattooed upon them,
Left them in the air?

Or do they go adrift,
In the deep cerulean,
Do they shrivel up, and curl away?
Purpose left unfulfilled?

Silver linings,
Strung upon each rainy-looking cloud,
Meant to bring about a change,
To soften hurt and fear.

But when they're refused,
Can they be reused,
Can they live out their life?
Can they bring about the joy?

Where do the linings go,
Whose shimmery color brings hope?
These mystic things,
Taught to us in childhood.

When one loses,
And the other wins,
When something inside of us dies.
They're told to be there, waiting.

We're meant to look for them.
To seek them out in times of trouble.
Silver linings. Dropped into the sky.
Pluck them down and take advantage.

Or leave them hanging there.
To waste away, to curl up and cease.
Or to float to those less shy?
We shouldn't know,

And shan't know, either.
For we cannot float among them,
We can't understand the ways of shifting clouds.
We can't reach out and grab them.

So silver linings,
Come and go.
And drift away on clouds.
Catch one.

Keep one,
Let them pass.
Seek them out.
Watch them go.

Silver linings.

26.7.10

Nocturnal Time

I am fed up with entry fees. I will submit poetry to you hoity-toity people and you will read it. This shouldn't cost me $25, plus postage. And now I feel obligated to. It's ridiculous. And I won't win. It'll be twenty-some dollars in vain. Which is ridiculous. There are so many people so many times better I am that'll enter and win the bragging rights and the moneys. Moneys I'd like to put toward college. Moneys I will never win. It's disgusting. Agh.

But I think I'm finally determined enough to write. Like a champion. Haha. Yes, I'll write something evocative and beautiful and it'll dazzle the judges.
Pssh, yeah right. Who am I kidding? 16 year-olds are supposed to write that depressed shit, right? I'm through that phase of my life, actually. That was several years ago. Two actually. I'm ready to be an adult now, please. And the adults will all go, "Oh no! You can't be an adult! Cherish your youngness!" But I don't want to. I'd rather be older. Like, in-college older. I feel like I'd be happier and more successful if I were in college.

I feel like skulking now. D:<

Eh, it's "whatever". (As my Latin teacher says, 'whatever' is teen speak for 'shut up, bitch.') Which in most cases of teenage usage, is completely true.

But yes! Alas! I don't know.

Here. Have a poem, I guess, for I have nothing better to offer you right now. Here.

Nocturnal Secret:

Suburban hum

Of air conditioners

Mundane protests

From the crackling street lamps.

Beyond the first layer of darkness

The one where Suburbia lie,

Fall through thick cover of nocturne,

Slice away at its canvas.

And you will find the night.

Transcending hums of vain suburbans,

Far after the buzzing of bug lamps.

Where the only sounds

Are night breathing.

Still enough to hear those

Who slumber neath synthetic comforters.

Yet alive with the chirrups

And squeaks and calls

Of those who own this stillness.

The little beetles rustling round,

The sleek spiders, light from the stars illuminating

Their bodies of work, let it bask in the glistening of the moon.

And the owls who brood after dark, who call neverendingly "who?"

The stars within grasp of the rooftops,

And the grass that sparkles with dew,

The dainty, yet plump globules casting ethereal white light about the lawn.

Mourning dove calls, as they drift into bird-sleep,

The bats that dart and whizz and

Catch mouthfuls of twinkling, glimmering stars.

On the water, ducks bob and weave, their feathers misted with Night.

A deep, and bright moon casts itself upon water,

Admiring its image, no doubt.

Crickets play to please the night spirits,

Whose wandering ways bring the blessed Night breeze.

The gentle fingers of which, blow through the few brave open windows.

This secret rustle in the moonlit curtains,

Of the blissfully sleeping ones.

But all too soon,

Magic disperses.

Rabbits appear and the owls call their final inquisitions.

Dew drops cast the human call of sunrise and burst into the fiery sun-rainbow.

The layers of darkness are shed,

To reveal only the hums once again.

Surface into Suburbia now, again.

Night has crept away.

Leaving behind only evaporations

Of its previous adventures and accounts.

Careful to leave no true trace,

To let no humans figure out

The magic held within

When street lamps buzz and flicker,

And the clock ticks by more slowly.

When the breeze checks in on those who sleep.

The End. Goodnight. I love you.

25.7.10

If You Really Want It To. And Popcorn

Firstly, may I start with a small bit about popcorn? It's for my friend (and fellow blogger!) Marie! Who said I could write anything and it would sound good. Even something about popcorn. So here goes it.
And even the Indians knew how to harvest kernels and turn them into hot fluffy clouds of corn held in handfuls by millions. Popcorn, in it's purest form. White. Salty. In the best form. Buttery and falsely golden yellow. And even when the little shards of shellish things get wedged deeply in between your molars, you can't resist its buttery charms. Popcorn. Two little words all smooshed together that creates this snackfood of the movie-goers, the corny, and basically everyone else. Popcorn.
And now on to things that plague me? Or have been plaguing me? Or will plague me in the near future?
Resistance, at this point, is futile.
I didn't go social network frolicking for a week.
Nor did I get much done.
I started a very cliche love story.
I played the ending to "Yesterday" approximately 200-ish times. My fingers hurt, needless to say.
I had a social life.
Pulled an all-nighter with some of the coolest people I know.
I watched the sunrise and danced in the street and probably trespassed at like, six in the morning on a Saturday.
And I can honestly say, life doesn't get much better than that. Really.
I played hide and seek all about the downtown area.
And I just said I didn't get much done.
I'd call that a lie.
I just didn't get done what I felt I wanted to get done.
But forget about that. Life just happened this week. And I can't object, really. There's so much I need to say, need to spit out of my brain but I can't right now. It's all a tangled mess that'll take weeks to unjumble. And I won't. I'll leave it there.
And then school will start. Holy Cheese, only four weeks left. FOUR. 4. F-O-U-R.
That isn't long enough. And that school feeling is clenching onto my gut and draining it of awesomeness and joy. I want to vomit.
If only I was a nomadic gypsy kid. Then there would be no school, right?
But wishful thinking! (as all thinking is.)
And I should probably be off to bed before long. What to say, what to say...
*Pacing*
*Dancing*
Yes.
Goodnight?
And I love you all?
ily.

18.7.10

Hey, Mr. Tambourine Man.

Play a song for me?
I've been awake for just over twelve hours and I'll be going to bed soon. Regardless of the fact that I am not at all sleepy.
But tomorrow, I'm gonna try to go Facebook-less, right?
Yes.
And I think this leaves an opportunity to go on one of those "Finding Yourself" trips. Haha, yeah sure. We'll see how that goes.
Maybe by the end of the week I'll be a hippie-folkster. I'm cool with that.
But hey, who knows. Maybe I'll totally cave and beat myself up because I suck. It happens.
I'm mentally preparing myself for this little excursion/self-control exercise/experiment/torture.
And I'd like to say "Goo goo g'joob" comrades.
I love you.
I bid you "Adieu!"
:)

17.7.10

Internetless Week?

I've made the decision to go *mostly* internet-less for a week.
By mostly, I mean there will be no:
Facebook.
Twitter.
Stumble.
Youtube.
Mindless other internet things that I love.

There are exceptions,yes.
I'll probably use wikipedia for writing some things,
I might do a school assignment.
And I'l probably check the weather.

But as far as social networking goes,
You'll have to call me to get a hold of me.
My phone will be on.
My computer, most likely off.

Except for the aformentioned.
And Word, and iMovie.

We'll see how this goes.
Starting tomorrow.
Can I resist the urge to check my Facebook?
Or will I cave?
I have no idea.
We'll try it.

Same As It Ever Was

It's 12:48. AM. I've just finished watching The Breakfast Club.
I cannot tell you how much I adore this movie.
But I what i take from it is sad.

Nothing ever changes.
Things stay as they were.

We can try to change.
But we remain the same.
It's like we're all on this stationary bike.
You feel like you're making progress.
But no, you're stuck in the same place.

It's bittersweet, really.
And I hate it.

Life is not kind.
We spend it waiting.
Admit it.
As much as you hate to say it,
it's true, isn't it?
You and I both have wasted countless hours we'll never get back doing menial tasks.
And WAITING.
It's just what people seem to do.
We wait.
For what, I'll never know?
Are we all waiting for death?
For that next moment where life seems truly precious?
I wouldn't know.
I don't think I want to know.

Do you?

It's 12:52. AM.
And I'm not tired at all.
But I'll go to bed soon.
Just for fear of becoming thoroughly insane, right?
Sure.
I can't tell you how many scenarios are playing themselves out in my head right now.
And I can't tell you I'm happy.
But I'm not sad either.
I'm bittersweet.
And I'm stuck there.
Because that's life,
And I am but a small pebble in the tides.
And I will forever wash up on the beach,
And be drug back to sea again.

I don't like that prospect either.

What can I say that won't offend you?
What can I do that will prove I'm still sane?
What is sane but a state of normal to the extreme?

But aren't we all normal?
We're told we're all special.
All individuals.
Right?
But are we?
Or are we all the same?
Or at least, similar?
Maybe we aren't as special as originally intended.
Although part of me still believes we all are special.
All individual.

I'd like that.
Or maybe not?
It'd be like being my own island.
I'd be isolated if I were different.
Isn't that what happens to things that defy normal?
they're locked up.
Put on display.
Or killed.
And the later happens a lot.

It's 12:57. AM.
And I think I should stop soon.
Before I ramble on into the wee hours of the morn.
Which I could do.
But will refrain from.

And off I go.

And by the way.

I love you?

13.7.10

Tonight I won't go to sleep until maybe one am. I want to be asleep now. But I'm not. I'm not so sure how I feel about that.
This week I will secretly make another PostSecret postcard. I have it planned out in my head. It will say "I love you." That's my secret.
And tomorrow. I'm not sure. T-o-m-o-r-r-o-w. Maybe it'll be promising. Probably not. I can't say for sure. Maybe I don't want to know. Maybe it'll be horrid. Maybe I'm exaggerating this too much? And just maybe I'm overusing the word "maybe". Perhaps I should stop with the 'maybe's'. And I will. But yes, I can't see the future.
But I can see the past.
And by walking into a little time capsule, I know where I belong.
My great-grandparents' house. It's wood-paneled. It's old. It smells like old people and must. It's always smelled that way, I can remember. It's been so long since I've been there. Before today, the las time I'd been there the miniature cigar store indian in the living room was about as tall as me. It's been awhile. But I could've stayed there ford days. Looking through boxes, trunks, chests. I could've spent an entire day looking through the yearbooks on the sitting room shelf alone. It was odd. So much stuff. So much old stuff. I love it. I want to just leaf through it all. Breathe in that funky old smell. Ask about all the people in the photographs. I want to hear the stories behind each thing.
But I'll probably never have that chance. It dawned on me that the only time I'll probably ever be able to dig through that treasure trove is when both of my great-grandparents have passed. The thought made my stomach turn. I actually teared up. I can't handle that. I need them living, I need to know that their stories are still alive. I need to know they're there. In the little white house in Roundhead that hasn't changed since the 1970's. I need that pice of living nostalgia.
Maybe someday soon I'll grasp the opportunity and visit them. And look through the photos. And ask about all of the things on the shelves. Hopefully.

That last blog post? I thought I'd regret it.

I don't.

So maybe someday (again with the maybe's) he can love me. I doubt this greatly. He's older then me. He's with someone. He's unreachable. But maybe someday I'll be able to at least work up the guts to say I have the most monstrous crush in the world. Because, yes. I love him. I want him to read this and understand. But he won't. I dare not mention his name. It's too awkward.

So for now.
An "I love you". To the anonymous guy that is out of my reach.

Goodnight.

3.7.10

Denial No More.

Life is too pretty, and I'm loosing you. I'm loosing the one I've never had, and should I dare say it? I have fallen for you. I've fallen so hard, and I don't really know you. I just know you could never love me back. Love. I said it. I am madly in love with you. Yes, madly. The insane type of mad. I am crazy, deranged for liking you in the way I do, and my heart if aching for you. But my mind is screaming to let you go, so I can have one illusionless night to myself. One night without the impossible scenarios running through my mind. The fake, pretty plasticness of it all. You, and I. And a place called New York. And If I could have my illusions I'd drop my real life, I'd drop it and run for you. I'm doe-eyed and weak-kneed. I want to kiss you. I want to curl into the curve of your body. I want to stop pretending. I had admitted that I am in love with you. I am stuck in the tumultuous cycle of unrequited love. Make it stop. I want to cry. When my thoughts are unfocused they wander to you. I've made you into the fake person I talk to myself with. I hallucinate about you. You are everywhere. I want t escape you. I want to be near you. I want the former more because it's easier to achieve. Less chance of failure, oh please, please, make it stop. I want to cut out my heart and leave it on your doorstep with a note saying only "I love you". I want to wake up next to you, enfolded in your embrace. I want to kill you. I want to screw you. God, the list goes on and on. And whoever sees this will know I've gone off the deep end, and it's because of you. It's because of me. My mind that doesn't stop with the images of you. The sound of your voice playing over and over in my head. I want to crawl away from this, unscathed. But that will not be happening. I want the world to see that you've ravaged my heart and my brain and you don't even know it. You don't know I'm over the moon for you. I didn't know either. I denied it. But it comes pouring forth now, and I can't deny it any longer. So I'll say it one more time, all caps, to end this love-hate rant for you, my dear, I LOVE YOU. Yes, I admit it. I love you.

I've gone mad.