Slow Graffiti

New Year's Eve Post One

I feel like my new year
started in November.

A lot of things shifted in my life
and I have no regrets.

So this is another chance to begin
and I'm debating what to 
try to change.
Mostly,
things have changed so much this month
that I am not really eager to 
go and make more change.

I have gained new friends
whom I feel 
very comfortable with,
and who I have so much
to talk about.

I have learned about my true
friends,
those I can count on.

I am in the state of moving on
from a three year fixation 
with someone who 
sort of turned out to be an asshole,
and I was sort of waiting for that.

I love him,
but in a way that I wish him the best
but know he's not good for me.
So I'm leaving that behind.
Because I know I deserve better
than being pissed and unhappy 
with him all the time. 

Maybe we will be friends somewhere in the future
but I'm not holding my breath.

I am optimistic about my prospects
with a new crush,
a good guy.
And I'm hoping he will be free
here soon so we can watch movies.

I'm in a completely new realm,
and I don't know what I'm doing
and it's great.
I haven't been this way in a long time.

New beginnings don't always correspond with
the changing of the calendar year,
but I'm ok with that.

I'm working on my resolutions,
I'm reminiscing
about 2012,
and I'm looking ahead with
a lot more vigor
than I thought.

I'm not going to go out on any limbs 
and say 2013 will be the best year
ever of some such shit,
but I'm happy right now,
I think, a little.

I'm confused in many aspects,
but I'm ok.

Papa was a Rodeo

I felt the universe shift under

my feet a little

and go 

"Ha."

Howlin' for You

Woah.
Dreamt about a new guy.
How weird is that.

I am utterly confused.
How does this work?

Ho Hey

My stomach is churning with 
that strange energy 
that sometimes comes to me.

It fills up my gut
with a gamut of feelings,
it tells me
to do so many things,
all at once.

I want to go out
and lie in the snow,
and I want to kiss somebody
and go ride the subway all the 
length of Manhattan so
I can fall asleep.

I need to just fly and
become a hummingbird,
my heart wants to 
beat so fast,
so fast.
I want to go skinnydipping
and ride in a troika
across the darkened night
and snow
and I need to clean everything,
I want to cut off all my hair,
short
like the beautiful girls in magazines.

I could run,
I could run a long time,
and not be tired.
My fingers could write a novel
and still find more to say.
This is the energy
I get at night
sometimes,
but only at night
and I can find nothing
to do with it.

I want to dress up
fancy and go out
and eat in a trashy joint
with a jukebox and 
thick milkshakes.

I need to walk the streets of a city
that is alive.
Find all the constellations in
the entire sky.
I need to run into the arms of
the sea and tell her I am home,
that I love her.
I want to call up a boy
and tell him 
I like him,
and we should be friends
and should be happy together,
and its cute that you
told me about your dog
and the snow
and I like talking to you a lot.

I just need to sew a new dress
and laugh with shiny teeth
over a glass of iced tea
on a pretty screened-in porch overlooking a lake.
I want to drive to California.

I want to cook 
a feast.
And have a midnight 
dinner with candles.

I am simply full.

12 Days of Christmas

Could it be?
Am I freeing myself from you?
After three years?

Am I finally done with you?
Was there a final straw?

Yes, 
there was.

I know I don't trust you.
You won't be reading my things
again, I don't think.

Maybe
I am finally 
over this.

Over you.

Maybe you won't make me into
such a mess anymore.

Or maybe I'll go back
and be very confused
and saddened.

But for now,
I feel a little freer,
a little over you,
done with your
rude attitude,
done with you blowing me off,
done with how you've acted this year.

It's you,
it's things involving you.

I want to untangle myself fully.

Maybe I like somebody else.
And maybe he's a lot better for me
to like.
Maybe I don't even like you anymore.
Maybe you can get out of my life.

Maybe this other guy will like me.
Someday?
Maybe?

Christmas Eve Sarajevo

It felt like Christmas.
It hasn't in years.
I got excited last night,
I was happy today
and it felt like it should have.
Maybe it was the snow,
maybe it was magic.

I don't care,
because I really liked it.
I had such a wonderful time
with my family.
And I felt so much closer to 
my cousins this year.
We all talked and hung out together,
I even talked to my cousin's girlfriend,
she's so nice, we're just both
slightly awkward/shy.

We gave airbrush tattoos on Sunday,
and my great aunt
jokingly called us
all dirty whores,
and my great uncle was a ridiculous as ever.
It was a good time.
With promises to hang out with 
some of my family here soon.

I had a lovely Christmas morning at home,
and it was just nice.
We cooked eggs on the stove
because or oven is broken and we couldn't make
anything else.
My parents liked their gifts.
I got what I asked for.
We had fun.

This was a good Christmas.

I forgot all about my stupid feels,
and had a good time.

White Christmas

So of course
out of the blue
I think I have a 
crush on a guy
who is actually my age
and who actually 
might even slightly
like me back?

Woah, life,
hold up,
slow down.

Because that one
guy I like
and have liked for three
years is being such a jerk-idiot,
and makes me anxious and scared
and feel bad,
so life is like

"TAKE THESE NEW FEELS"

and I am like

ohmygod no.

Facebook chat pops up
-ping-
and I see who it's from
and my stomach is like,
doing summersaults 
and I had no idea what was going
on and then,
perhaps I like him?

Maybe?
Is that what a crush feels like?
I don't know
because I haven't experienced anything
like that in a long time.

Maybe this will be good for me?
Or maybe I'll just continue to be very
confused and
consumed.

Maybe he even likes me?
Woah, like that could ever happen.

Whatever.

God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen

I kind of want to spend
break by myself,
alone and not have to 
see anyone,
or talk to anyone.
I wouldn't need to answer my phone,
or whatever.
Sleep
and read and
avoid the problems of a human reality.

I'd like two weeks to myself,
maybe. 
To catch up with how I feel.
To plan for the coming year.

Do They Know It's Christmastime?

I hate feeling sick all the time.
I hate feeling weak
and exhausted
most of the week.
I don't know what's wrong with me,
nor does anyone else.

But I'm tired of being sick.
I want to have enough energy to
stand in choir
without my knees quivering.

I want to stop feeling dizzy
all the time,
and so tired and lethargic
I can't be bothered to do anything.

I'm too weak to go work out,
because it'll make me hurt even more.

I couldn't sleep last night
due to restless and aching bones
all over.

What's wrong with me?
All the blood tests always come back fine.

Is it all in my head,
the pain and the dizziness
and the lethargy.

I know the general distaste for life
is up there,

but the physical is different, right?

And I need to stop being so pissy
and angry all the time.
I don't feel like myself
when I'm angry.
I need to sleep
until I wake up semi-normal again.

Just enough to look human again,
just enough to get it together
and not collapse when everyone
looks away
into a little dusty heap of bones.

I'm sorry (not sorry) for complaining,
but I honestly can't even function.

It doesn't even matter that break is pretty close,
or that I have a lot of good plans coming up,
I have no energy or excitement for anything.

All I Want For Christmas Is You*

It's really quite
funny how awful today
was, even though I was at home.

But, to spite
all the nay-sayers
in my life,
(who are quickly piling up)
I have one glorious thing for you
all,
and while it only applies to 
those who understand AV geekdom,
alas.

I FOUND A CONVERTER.

Yeah, that's right.
They exist
on Amazon for
the amazingly low price
of $10.88

HOLLAH

(Yeah, I said it)

Yep,
with a nice
little S-Video
and RCA hook-up on end
and a gret little USB 2.0 
at the other end.

And you know what that means?

In layman's terms

Old beige AV box
can be friends
with laptop.

And while it may not work out for
this Friday,
it's going to work out.

So suck it, 
nay-sayers
and negative nellies.

Because I found one answer
today.

And one was enough
for one day. 

Tomorrow will be a different story.


*The song refers to the cord,
all I want for Christmas is that converter cord.

Little Fury Bugs

I knew that once I'd given you my
poetry it was a sign
that I trusted you.
Every paper-clipped packet
of poems that landed on
your desk in these three years
was an extension of myself
that I trusted you with.

I don't think I trust you anymore.

I'm not sure I'll ever be able to
give you poems ever again,
or talk to you about real life
anymore.

I'm really, really saddened by this.
I was sure we'd be friends.
I could trust you.
I told you a lot of things
I hadn't really told other people.
Something about you 
different and I thought
maybe we were similar,
but I think you've changed,
and I know I've changed,
and maybe we just can't be 
friends ever.

It doesn't matter
if you once said
I was your favorite poet,
in jest or seriously
I don't know.

It doesn't matter 
that we've spent hours 
talking about literature.

It doesn't matter that
you helped me get through
my first anxiety attack
and told me you cared.

You've been rude to me lately,
you've been absolutely
different and I don't
like this version of you.

I don't think you care,
I don't think you're sincere,
and I don't trust you.

As soon as you started acting
like a jerk,
I revoked every nice thing
I'd ever said about you. 

Born on the Bayou

I feel like I'm disappointing everyone in my life,
and they are disappointing me.
It's a funny symbiosis. 

I'm not good enough,
but neither is anyone else.

And to get anything off the ground
I have to do it myself.
I guess I wouldn't mind
if I had an ounce of support.

People are like
"I support your decision"
and then tell me why I should
change my mind.

People are telling
me I ambitious
but am ultimately going to fail.

People aren't even speaking to me
at all,
I learned to live with it.

I don't even so much mind
the disappointment,
the feeling that I'm pissing everyone off.

It's the unwillingness
to talk about it.

Axiom

Lately
I've been getting scared
late at night,
about leaving.

About being far away
next year.
Because I love my family
and am scared to leave them.

But this only happens so late at night,
I get delusional and
cry,
because why would I leave?

Why would I do that?
Why do I need to be so far away?

And yet it's the only place I know
I belong.
But I will miss them so terribly.
My poor family.
I will be so sad,
and it will be hard to come home,
the train ride is 12 hours.

I'll have to wait for holidays,
I'll have to settle for skype and 
texting,
and I will be scared
and lonely 
and sad
with such distance,
at least for a while.

It's scary,
to think about.
And in the dark and
the calm
it's all I can do to 
not go and hug my parents
and wake them up. 

I can't really think about the future.
At all.

-----

On a lighter note.

It's snowing,
it is snowing and it's beautiful
and it's making me so, so happy.
I don't care if it sticks,
I don't care if there is absolutely no accumulation.
It's snowing dammit,
and that's awesome.

And we're having Thanksgiving II
at my house today,
for the first time ever.
It's going to be nice. 
I'm excited.

Cast Your Fate to the Wind

Hello.
I'm going to be cliche,
as it is the thanks-giving holiday,
and tell you all what I am thankful for.

I'm thankful for my friends,
those who have stuck with me 
through the worst year of my life.
Those wonderful people
who I love.

My fabulous family,
without them I may not
be here today.
They are my anchor.

The world.
I am thankful for its
beauty, and its mystery
and its vastness.
I am thankful especially for 
the existence of New York City.

I'm thankful for my health
and my life
and my struggle.
Challenges make life interesting.

And the opportunities I have been given
this year,
I am thankful for the chances 
I have to make things better.

I'm thankful for my education,
and those who help to provide it,
the wonderful things I have learned
in this life that have sparked curiosity.

Love, and its consequences and
all kinds of it,
my love for my family,
my friends, for all the beautiful things
around me.

I have a lot to be thankful for.
I hope you all do too.
Have a nice day with your
families eating lots of food and 
watching football and the parade.
Laugh a lot and be happy,
we all deserve a good day
and this one should be good.

Hello holidays.
Welcome.

Winter Song

Self-loathing
party of one?

Self-loathing party of one.

Oh, silly me.

Something's Rattling

Meh.
I just want to hug you really
really badly.
But I won't even see you this week
and I am full of a lot of feels
and I am confused.
I just know I like you
a lot a lot
and I want to hug you and
maybe like,
kiss you a little.

We could watch
the Royal Tenenbaums 
on the sofa in the dark.
Then we could go out for a walk
and get cookies
and sit on a bench.
And we could look at the stars.

We could make up our own constellations,
and you'd talk really quiet
and we'd wear our cute coats
and hold hands maybe.

I'd tell you you're
cute and stuff.
Maybe you'd even whisper
something cute in my ear.

We'd laugh like stupid people
and I think that would be the best night
of my life.

I'll go on dreaming.

Looking Hot

The stars are so clear tonight.
I stood under them for a while,
and the longer you stare,
the more that appear.
From the depths of the sky,
stars.
And they are so old,
and probably dead,
but I don't mind.

Because they are beautiful.
And there was Orion,
and so many beautiful clusters,
a bright planet.

And I said, Ok.
Ok, and breathed.

Because it was nice.
This weekend is nice.

It's nice to do stupid, silly stuff.
It's nice to eat dessert.

Being out and laughing,
that's good.

I am fond of this,
nostalgic, but fond
of this newness.

If I can just keep driving,
just keep laughing.
So long as there are stars
in the clear night.

Something different
has emerged.

And that's ok.

People walk in and out 
all the time, life is a series of open doors.
Yes,
open doors.
You can come and go as you please,
in this life.

So I'm welcoming new nights
and new walk-ins and
opportunities.

You have to embrace.

And that's ok. 

And I think I'm ok with everybody.
He and I are no longer pissed at each other.
But I miss him in a weird way,
I miss closeness.
Conversation.

I just want to sit and talk to him
for a little while
about things.

I am worried for the future,
worried things will be weird
or distant or awful.

I am worried about the future.
I paid for some apps today.
Eugene Lang has all my information.

I have no idea when I'll hear from them.
I'm not sure I'd want to know.

Don't Tread on Me

God, I wish you would so some
emotion or concern
or some semblance of humanity
for this whole big mess.

Instead you're like
"I appreciate your feedback".
You are not a machine,
quit acting like one!

Act like you care a little bit
that everything everyone loved
about D-Town is DEAD.

Like, I think you just buried it and laughed
on its grave.

I won't be saying more on this,
I'll be isolating myself
so I can calm down and
not build up ulcers
which will kill me.

I'll avoid you for a while,
so I don't have to see you and get 
pissed for your deference.

Don't try to talk to me,
don't try to fix things.
I hate D-Town now.
Don't want to be there,
don't even care.

And yeah, I pretty much blame you for that one.

And yes, this is me playing "the blame game",
and you know what?
I do not give one single fuck
because you won't see this so 
Ha.

My life is a little bit of a major mess
and I'm sort of waiting for things
to clear up a little.

I am looking forward to 
tomorrow morning's breakfast,
Friday's fun times,
and Thanksgiving next week.

That's it.

The Deserted Ballroom

I don't know what to write,
my fingers are burning,
I feel so inferior.
I am so confused.

My life doesn't want to line up
all nice like it had been doing.
I'd finally smoothed down 
the proverbial cowlick for,
but I guess I ran out of spit
or hair gel or something,
because now it's all
a big ugly mess again.

They always ask me about my
racing thoughts,
and they'd calmed down so much,
but now my brain 
is like 
"LET'S THINK ABOUT 50 THINGS
AT THE SAME TIME."

I thought I'd straightened that out.

I forgot how annoying it is
to think all the time
about stuff that stresses you out
and there's nowhere to put all the energy
because my body is still so tired,
but my mind is like the third rail over here,
just humming along making me miserable. 

Oh my god I thought it was over,
I mean it was, you know,
for so long,
and then everything flares up
like some ugly thing,
like it is really, I guess.

But I feel crazy and all over the place.
Like melty, like nachos.
I am the cheese in a big bundle of nachos,
I'm all over everything,
a big mess.

Like a car full of soup,
if you open the passenger
door I'm just like
SOUP
all over the sidewalk,
and it's annoying.

Yeah, there are all these thoughts
again all the time.

And I can't sleep very well,
and I get angry so easily again,
my hands shake and I get so 
frustrated so fast.

I feel like the Incredible Hulk's
inferior cousin.

And now there are people in my life
who are like,
living their dreams and are nomads
for crying out loud,
writing crazy good things
and living this life where 
she just DOES.
She exists, and it makes good stories
and see is living some crazy way
I didn't know people could actually live.

And I am so confused and conflicted
and feeling crazy and I am a bundle
of raw nerves
and energy which has no outlet,
like I could swim all the seas
or run across Africa
or some inhuman feat.

But I can't get myself to settle
and calm down for a little while,
there's just too much in life,
in every life
all over the place.
And yet nothing can matter
or remain important in my mind for
a very long time
and I do not know.

Twilight

You know,
often people go
"I wish my life was like
those people on tv".

Ahahah. Yeah right.

Because my life is currently
like a bad episode of
"Mystery Diagnosis"
combined with the
bogus-ness of an episode
of "House".

Well, at least this isn't Lupus.

At least it's not a disease.

But it's not like I could maintain my life
normally or anything-
that would be too easy.

It would be too easy
to say,
"Oh it's a virus,
here's a 10-day medication to
get rid of it".

No no, instead I get,
"Well, we'll just have to 
wait for it to get better
and see how your meds work."

I may have to start from scratch.

I wish my life was as easy as Legos.

I could take myself apart
and put myself back together
stronger and better.

But instead I'm kind of like one
of those old-western storefronts,
with the really big facades
that hide an ugly, little broken
building behind them.

A windstorm came by and knocked over
everything I'd built up.

Whoosh,
and I realize
wow,
this is my life.
My life depends on a delicate balance
of medications.

It's like I am not fully human.
More like a patched-together version
of one, like a ragdoll.
And yeah,
I'm a little limp and torn up.

Being thrown around like this will do that to you.

I wish something or someone could come by
and drag my wet limp body from
the continuous spin-cycle that is my life,
and put me in the dyer so
I might have a chance of fixing
all of these wrong things.

I've yet to figure this all out,
but it appears I am a slave
to my flaws
and my shortcomings
and will always be a little left of center.

Can I quit life and just
lie in bed reading
until I die?