Born on the Bayou

I feel like I'm disappointing everyone in my life,
and they are disappointing me.
It's a funny symbiosis. 

I'm not good enough,
but neither is anyone else.

And to get anything off the ground
I have to do it myself.
I guess I wouldn't mind
if I had an ounce of support.

People are like
"I support your decision"
and then tell me why I should
change my mind.

People are telling
me I ambitious
but am ultimately going to fail.

People aren't even speaking to me
at all,
I learned to live with it.

I don't even so much mind
the disappointment,
the feeling that I'm pissing everyone off.

It's the unwillingness
to talk about it.

Axiom

Lately
I've been getting scared
late at night,
about leaving.

About being far away
next year.
Because I love my family
and am scared to leave them.

But this only happens so late at night,
I get delusional and
cry,
because why would I leave?

Why would I do that?
Why do I need to be so far away?

And yet it's the only place I know
I belong.
But I will miss them so terribly.
My poor family.
I will be so sad,
and it will be hard to come home,
the train ride is 12 hours.

I'll have to wait for holidays,
I'll have to settle for skype and 
texting,
and I will be scared
and lonely 
and sad
with such distance,
at least for a while.

It's scary,
to think about.
And in the dark and
the calm
it's all I can do to 
not go and hug my parents
and wake them up. 

I can't really think about the future.
At all.

-----

On a lighter note.

It's snowing,
it is snowing and it's beautiful
and it's making me so, so happy.
I don't care if it sticks,
I don't care if there is absolutely no accumulation.
It's snowing dammit,
and that's awesome.

And we're having Thanksgiving II
at my house today,
for the first time ever.
It's going to be nice. 
I'm excited.

Cast Your Fate to the Wind

Hello.
I'm going to be cliche,
as it is the thanks-giving holiday,
and tell you all what I am thankful for.

I'm thankful for my friends,
those who have stuck with me 
through the worst year of my life.
Those wonderful people
who I love.

My fabulous family,
without them I may not
be here today.
They are my anchor.

The world.
I am thankful for its
beauty, and its mystery
and its vastness.
I am thankful especially for 
the existence of New York City.

I'm thankful for my health
and my life
and my struggle.
Challenges make life interesting.

And the opportunities I have been given
this year,
I am thankful for the chances 
I have to make things better.

I'm thankful for my education,
and those who help to provide it,
the wonderful things I have learned
in this life that have sparked curiosity.

Love, and its consequences and
all kinds of it,
my love for my family,
my friends, for all the beautiful things
around me.

I have a lot to be thankful for.
I hope you all do too.
Have a nice day with your
families eating lots of food and 
watching football and the parade.
Laugh a lot and be happy,
we all deserve a good day
and this one should be good.

Hello holidays.
Welcome.

Winter Song

Self-loathing
party of one?

Self-loathing party of one.

Oh, silly me.

Something's Rattling

Meh.
I just want to hug you really
really badly.
But I won't even see you this week
and I am full of a lot of feels
and I am confused.
I just know I like you
a lot a lot
and I want to hug you and
maybe like,
kiss you a little.

We could watch
the Royal Tenenbaums 
on the sofa in the dark.
Then we could go out for a walk
and get cookies
and sit on a bench.
And we could look at the stars.

We could make up our own constellations,
and you'd talk really quiet
and we'd wear our cute coats
and hold hands maybe.

I'd tell you you're
cute and stuff.
Maybe you'd even whisper
something cute in my ear.

We'd laugh like stupid people
and I think that would be the best night
of my life.

I'll go on dreaming.

Looking Hot

The stars are so clear tonight.
I stood under them for a while,
and the longer you stare,
the more that appear.
From the depths of the sky,
stars.
And they are so old,
and probably dead,
but I don't mind.

Because they are beautiful.
And there was Orion,
and so many beautiful clusters,
a bright planet.

And I said, Ok.
Ok, and breathed.

Because it was nice.
This weekend is nice.

It's nice to do stupid, silly stuff.
It's nice to eat dessert.

Being out and laughing,
that's good.

I am fond of this,
nostalgic, but fond
of this newness.

If I can just keep driving,
just keep laughing.
So long as there are stars
in the clear night.

Something different
has emerged.

And that's ok.

People walk in and out 
all the time, life is a series of open doors.
Yes,
open doors.
You can come and go as you please,
in this life.

So I'm welcoming new nights
and new walk-ins and
opportunities.

You have to embrace.

And that's ok. 

And I think I'm ok with everybody.
He and I are no longer pissed at each other.
But I miss him in a weird way,
I miss closeness.
Conversation.

I just want to sit and talk to him
for a little while
about things.

I am worried for the future,
worried things will be weird
or distant or awful.

I am worried about the future.
I paid for some apps today.
Eugene Lang has all my information.

I have no idea when I'll hear from them.
I'm not sure I'd want to know.

Don't Tread on Me

God, I wish you would so some
emotion or concern
or some semblance of humanity
for this whole big mess.

Instead you're like
"I appreciate your feedback".
You are not a machine,
quit acting like one!

Act like you care a little bit
that everything everyone loved
about D-Town is DEAD.

Like, I think you just buried it and laughed
on its grave.

I won't be saying more on this,
I'll be isolating myself
so I can calm down and
not build up ulcers
which will kill me.

I'll avoid you for a while,
so I don't have to see you and get 
pissed for your deference.

Don't try to talk to me,
don't try to fix things.
I hate D-Town now.
Don't want to be there,
don't even care.

And yeah, I pretty much blame you for that one.

And yes, this is me playing "the blame game",
and you know what?
I do not give one single fuck
because you won't see this so 
Ha.

My life is a little bit of a major mess
and I'm sort of waiting for things
to clear up a little.

I am looking forward to 
tomorrow morning's breakfast,
Friday's fun times,
and Thanksgiving next week.

That's it.

The Deserted Ballroom

I don't know what to write,
my fingers are burning,
I feel so inferior.
I am so confused.

My life doesn't want to line up
all nice like it had been doing.
I'd finally smoothed down 
the proverbial cowlick for,
but I guess I ran out of spit
or hair gel or something,
because now it's all
a big ugly mess again.

They always ask me about my
racing thoughts,
and they'd calmed down so much,
but now my brain 
is like 
"LET'S THINK ABOUT 50 THINGS
AT THE SAME TIME."

I thought I'd straightened that out.

I forgot how annoying it is
to think all the time
about stuff that stresses you out
and there's nowhere to put all the energy
because my body is still so tired,
but my mind is like the third rail over here,
just humming along making me miserable. 

Oh my god I thought it was over,
I mean it was, you know,
for so long,
and then everything flares up
like some ugly thing,
like it is really, I guess.

But I feel crazy and all over the place.
Like melty, like nachos.
I am the cheese in a big bundle of nachos,
I'm all over everything,
a big mess.

Like a car full of soup,
if you open the passenger
door I'm just like
SOUP
all over the sidewalk,
and it's annoying.

Yeah, there are all these thoughts
again all the time.

And I can't sleep very well,
and I get angry so easily again,
my hands shake and I get so 
frustrated so fast.

I feel like the Incredible Hulk's
inferior cousin.

And now there are people in my life
who are like,
living their dreams and are nomads
for crying out loud,
writing crazy good things
and living this life where 
she just DOES.
She exists, and it makes good stories
and see is living some crazy way
I didn't know people could actually live.

And I am so confused and conflicted
and feeling crazy and I am a bundle
of raw nerves
and energy which has no outlet,
like I could swim all the seas
or run across Africa
or some inhuman feat.

But I can't get myself to settle
and calm down for a little while,
there's just too much in life,
in every life
all over the place.
And yet nothing can matter
or remain important in my mind for
a very long time
and I do not know.

Twilight

You know,
often people go
"I wish my life was like
those people on tv".

Ahahah. Yeah right.

Because my life is currently
like a bad episode of
"Mystery Diagnosis"
combined with the
bogus-ness of an episode
of "House".

Well, at least this isn't Lupus.

At least it's not a disease.

But it's not like I could maintain my life
normally or anything-
that would be too easy.

It would be too easy
to say,
"Oh it's a virus,
here's a 10-day medication to
get rid of it".

No no, instead I get,
"Well, we'll just have to 
wait for it to get better
and see how your meds work."

I may have to start from scratch.

I wish my life was as easy as Legos.

I could take myself apart
and put myself back together
stronger and better.

But instead I'm kind of like one
of those old-western storefronts,
with the really big facades
that hide an ugly, little broken
building behind them.

A windstorm came by and knocked over
everything I'd built up.

Whoosh,
and I realize
wow,
this is my life.
My life depends on a delicate balance
of medications.

It's like I am not fully human.
More like a patched-together version
of one, like a ragdoll.
And yeah,
I'm a little limp and torn up.

Being thrown around like this will do that to you.

I wish something or someone could come by
and drag my wet limp body from
the continuous spin-cycle that is my life,
and put me in the dyer so
I might have a chance of fixing
all of these wrong things.

I've yet to figure this all out,
but it appears I am a slave
to my flaws
and my shortcomings
and will always be a little left of center.

Can I quit life and just
lie in bed reading
until I die?

Waltz No. 2

I hate all those romantic films
and songs and novels
about how things work out.
How they realize and
fall in love.
How none of it matters anymore.

I hate how easy it looks.
How simple it is
for everything to straighten out.
How they lean in to kiss
and the world becomes
magical and good.

I hate how in those
movies and shit
age doesn't matter,
occupation doesn't matter,
the world doesn't matter,
society doesn't care.
I hate just how fake that is.

I hate watching these shows
where everyone gets to 
love who they want
and nobody finds out,
or nobody cares.

How hard is it in real life?
Impossible.

I don't think anyone will ever
be able to love me wholly,
simply because I am a little far gone.
A few too many things are wrong with me.
I am too unpredictable and sad
for anyone to love me
or buy me flowers.

No man will ever love me enough
to hold me and tell me it will get better.
Because if by that time that needs to happen,
things won't get any better.

I just wish he would show up
and ring the doorbell
with hydrangeas in his hand
and say he's been worried.

That will never happen.

How Soon is Now?

I forgot what it felt like
to have fun.

I had the best night I've
had in a while.

A belly of Mexican food,
Goodwill goodies,
and some fabulous company
from a really great gal.

Forgot what this felt like.

I like it.
I feel good. 
Wow.