On the Other Side

All I can do is continuously hate myself
and be a grump.

I don't mean to be mean,
but I seriously can't help it
when all that spouts out of my mouth
are snippy answers
to bad questions.

I want it to 
pour down freezing rain
and I'll stand in it
to become an ice sculpture
and maybe then 
it'll work out.

Ronnie

I want to 
love this body,
the vessel of my spirit.

I want to embrace the folds
in my tummy,
and my thunder thighs
but I have a hard time with it.

I want a guy to like me for me,
but I feel like they never will because
I am fat.
Boys don't like fat girls.

I don't like myself,
so that sort of gives everyone
else the right to not like me either.
And the worst part is
I have never been
bullied for my weight,
nobody has ever laughed at me
or made mean jokes
except myself.

People don't care about my weight
but I do.

And I can't stop.
But I can't get thin either
because I love food.
It makes me happy to cook
and to enjoy dinner with my friends.

It makes me happy.
And I've been taught that
that's bad,
I shouldn't reward myself with food
like I'm a dog.

And sometimes I get sad
like this
and all I want is a glass of chocolate milk.
But I won't let myself have it because
I'm fat.

I have a problem.

I just wish I could love healthy foods
and I wish I could run on the treadmill
for miles on end.
Instead I love bad foods
and can only run a couple tenths of a mile
at a time.

I try.
I swear.
But I fail because I don't try hard enough.
Maybe I don't want it badly enough.
Maybe my body is telling me it's ok
to be like this.
But the media and my heart
are saying no
you're ugly.
Stop eating that hummus, bitch.
Don't eat those carbs,
don't even think about having a cookie.

But sometimes I eat the cookie anyway
and hate myself for it.

I want to be healthy.

I want to love my body.

I'm not sorry for complaining.
I can do whatever I want under this URL.

We Are Never Getting Back Together

(Title for ironic and blogging purposes only, I hate T-Swift...)

It's a really interesting feeling
to have your mother taking
your advice.
It's weird, and kind of backwards
but it made me feel really good.
Like I had validated something.

Because I've known this to
be true for a while now,
and I told her
that sometimes you have to 
take care of yourself
before anyone else
and that's ok.

Because that's what I said 
when asked about taking a 
"W", 
what would I tell the colleges?

That's what I would tell them.

Some things are more important than
school,
some things are more important
than pleasing others and the status quo.

Sometimes you really need to 
take care of yourself first.
Because without your health
you aren't worth anything
to anyone...

And I received a slightly shocked
look from my counselor,
as she told me that a very valid answer.

And I needed to take care of myself.
I was falling apart, being run ragged
by a class, a group of people, myself,
and someone who used I once trusted
but he's changed too much.

I don't feel quite free yet,
but I'm slowly shaking off my chains
one at a time.
I'm slowly understanding I don't have
to deal with that stress
and duress and insanity anymore.
It's not my responsibility.

And I don't think he understood me at all.
Because he doesn't understand that I can't just
change myself to suit the
environment.
Having an anxiety disorder makes those
things very difficult.

He doesn't get that.
And he can be mad at me and hate
me or whatever,
but I don't have to deal with that anymore.

I didn't walk away from a sinking ship.
I didn't leave everyone to perish.
I didn't light the match
that started the fire.
I was trying to contain everything,
but failed.
Hard.
So I knew I had to pick up my things
and leave to minimize the damage.

I know things are different in the class
this year,
and that different was not working for me at all.

But I salvaged my love for making
film, I salvaged my infant desire.
And I'll carry it to college,
and through my film and lit. class.

And I'll be ok.
I'll show everyone that
I did the right thing.
You can question me all you want,
but I stand firm and without regret.

Did I Let You Know?

Today was exactly what

I needed after a week

of Hell.

And last night was pretty ok too,

after I finished being 

scared and totally freaked

out and betrayed.

It was ok after that.

Even if I did stress eat my way 

through the night.

I danced and shook my butt

with two splendid ladies

called Claire and Avery.

They are rad chicks.

And it was just fun and 

crazy and I laughed

really loud and had people

there to keep me warm

and happy. 

And there was so much music

and so many good people.

Claire laid on me

and I woke up today with a 

sore collarbone

in a good way.

I had a kick ass time

last night.

And today was marvelous.

Like, it was really great

and one of the best days I have

had in a long time.

Firstly,

I picked up the beautiful

and crazy Lydia.

And then we pawned some gold...

and made out like bandits,

pretty much.

Mucho cash to 

splurge all over the place

(and I did!)

I wasn't a cheap tightwad today!

Yay!

Then we ventured on down to 

Clintonville

and the mecca called

Rag-o-Rama

with our cushions of cash.

Of course, it was fruitful,

she got this super rad t-shirt

with a woman on a bicycle and it says

"Oh her? She'll ride anything."

Splendid!

And I bought two new shirts

that are so rad

and cute lace socks

and two buttons.

And we bought Hannah buttons since she couldn't come along.

Wandering down the street

we found a freaking lovely

antique store

that really resembled a Wes Anderson film,

totally cool.

Then we hopped in the car and found 

a super cute all-natural bakery,

Pattycake bakery

if you're interested

and got pretty slices of lemon and lavender cake!

It was lovely.

So we drove a few blocks

down and got non-parallel STREET PARKING.

That right there is a beautiful thing.

And we went to Giant Eagle to eat our cake

on their picnic table

and get drinks and such. 

And then we found an oriental supermarket.

Where everything was labeled in Chinese.

It was lovely and dimly lit

and full of things I had no idea how to use

or even what they were.

Beautiful.

And a bunch of VHS tapes 

labeled in Chinese

that I'm thinking were

either porn or illegal

copies of movies dubbed in Chinese.

And we bought Hannah a lovely tea cup.

So part one of my Saturday was awesome.

And so was part two.

I took Lydia home and 

then decided to go out to dinner

with my wonderful Megan.

We had a fun waiter

and I had a ginormous plate of super tasty

nachos

(seriously, the best nachos ever).

And we talked about life and how

stupid people are.

And then we went to wal-mart.

And than got Starbucks.

YAY

for having a good day

and splurging on myself

and seeing my rad friends.

I needed this really

badly.

A little oasis

in the deserts

of Hell.

The Cactus Where Your Heart Should Be

This hurts.

It hurts a lot.

Worst anxiety attack
I think I've ever had.

Anxious and nervous
and downright scared.

My eyes are still 
all blurry and puffy.

I know this feeling too well,
but not in a situation like this.

I was crying so hard
I collapsed on the stairs,

and then I'd practically hidden
my panic attack medication
from myself and had to 
freak out more
if that was even possible.

I don't fucking deserve this.

In the eloquent words
of my friend via text
"He's a little bitch".

I just want to take a long vacation...
far away
in like,
fucking Aruba
or some shit.

I'm sick of this,
and sick of feeling like
it's all my fault. 

That's Incentive

Where does everyone's money come from?
I see photos
from NYC and Aruba,
people just livin' it up
on break,
and all I can think is,
how did you afford that?

Seriously,
my family has come a little ways financially.
But I don't understand
how people can just go about
these vacations.

We could barely afford to go
on college visits in New York
for two days,
and that was only two people, not
my whole family.
And I see a whole family
in Aruba.

My parents work to damn hard,
and are too damn smart.
We're refinancing
and we're cutting back
and we still can't get anywhere
because the middle class is
always fucked.

We can't go on a nice
vacation,
we can't fix my car window.
We're working on it,
and hard, too.

But it hurts to see
everyone else in the world
just going all over the place,
especially New York.

Simply put,
I'm really jealous.

I wish I could go somewhere where
there was actually something to do.
Instead
of the Goodwill
and the convenience stores.
Don't get me wrong,
we make it fun,
but honestly.

There's nothing here.

Wild World

There are few things
more satisfying
and wonderful
than having conversations
with my guy friends.

Insightful
and so perfect.
I just feel so much
better when I talk to them.

It helps me understand the world 
a lot more.

Wi' Nae Wee Bairn Ye'll Me Beget

My new year
is off to a good start.

I'm watching movies with
the guy I like
tomorrow,
and it's going to be fun.
I'm excited.

So, to try to hold myself to 
my resolutions, 
I will put them up here,
so the world knows.

-Write more. Everyday like you did in 2011. 
Anything, everything. 
Even if it sucks, because you have to write a lot 
before anything good is written.

-Work out more. More than once a week like 
you have been. Go for twice a week. Be able
to run that mile without stopping.

-Watch what you eat. Be healthy. Work at it
harder than you did this year. 

-Be kind, but firm. Know your limits, 
work within them, but be good to those
around you.

-Get happy. This depends more on your
brain chemistry than pretty much everything else,
but you can still try. Try to get off your meds.

-Get motivated again. Again, not sure if this is a consequence
of Depression, but you can try. 

-Regret nothing. Go for it. Be adventurous. Let yourself go 
and be free.