17.4.13

Dry Season

The wooden steps
leaned and creaked
under my shifting weight.
A cigarette dribbled its
smoke down my fingers,
swirling with chipped
red nail polish.

He stood in the yellowed yard,
white t-shirt clinging
and threadbare
in the humid August evening.
The hum of mosquitos made 
harmony with his 
drafty whistling.
Lifting,
muscles shaped like clay
beneath skin,
falling,
the quicksilver crack
of wood under the ax.

I applauded especially good
chops, the swinging of
the red-handled ax.
His hair falling
like sheafs of summer wheat.

Across the lane
a farmer made his daily walk
through the rows of tall-growing corn.
Snakes sizzled under his feet,
boot-clad and weathered.
A ragged bandana to wipe the
glisten from his brow.

He smelled rain on the earth,
a handful of soil in his palm
said tomorrow.
And the corn would grow taller-
maybe even seven dollars
come fall.

I flicked the spent end of
my cigarette into the dying grass.
A chicken came to peck at it.
its feather ruffled by the 
hot breeze.

Swing
and fall.
Swing and fall.
The rhythm of his ax,
my strong man in the sun.

The farmer's hand lets loose
his soil.
Rain gathered on his lips
and into is throat.

16.4.13

Second-Hand

There were aisles of analog
televisions.
"Rooms"
set up with ratty furniture,
paintings out of doctor's offices,
hung on slatted walls.

An oatmealy chair,
green and trimmed.
An old man's dearest
friend. Sitting under
the harsh fluorescents.

A child wanders along
the linoleum halls,
stacked high with
board games and puzzles
missing pieces,
chipped glassware
and stuffed animals with 
matted fur.

He holds a tattered lion,
limp from his left hand.
His mother picks out
coordinating silverware
and old VHS tape
cartoons to play
on the black-and-white tv.

Her son
loves these outings.
These things
that are new to him,
shiny in his mind,
for him.
He has never seen 
a big toy store.
For Robin,
this is his place.

His mother smiles a wan smile,
her eyes rounded by 
worry. She will take
her boy home
for macaroni and cheese
before pinning 
her name tag to 
her starched white 
uniform.
Robin will fall asleep
without her.
In a second-hand bed
with cheap sheets.

This isn't how anyone 
envisions their life
when asked at 16.
But years later
at 26
here is Robin by her side,
and a dank apartment 
awaiting.

Robin knows no difference
between this life
and his mother's old one.
She just takes his 
small sweaty palm
in her smooth
white hand.

He carries his lion tight to his
chest. Warrior boy
and his beautiful mother,
he, master of the 
glasswares
and king over the porcelain
dolls.

Robin walks beside his mother,
his heart swollen with pride.

15.4.13

Free Jazz Music

I am terrified.
That's it.
Simply put,
terrified
like I didn't know 
I could be.

So many fears,
those nagging,
irrational, stupid thoughts.

You are not good enough.

You are not cool enough.

Why aren't you better?

Why didn't you try harder?

You're such a fucking loser.

Why don't you just stop trying?

Why not just give up and die?

This is my brain, telling
itself terrible things.

Telling itself to stop existing,
stop being such a fuck-up.
I hate myself
and all I am or ever was,
because I am not going to be anything else.

I didn't do well enough.
I didn't get what I wanted,
I didn't succeed
and that isn't ok with me.
It doesn't sit well in my tummy and my bones.

I have to go to college.
But where?

My life is dominated by money
and other people's opinions,
people I love.
I don't know what to do.
I don't even know what I want anymore.
I am not cool enough for New York,
I am not wealthy enough for New York.
My family says no to New York.
They seem to sneer and reject all of my ideas.
They whisper things meant to be inspirational,
but instead fill me with fear
and hatred of myself.

I could go there,
I could go to Denison,
and do things that may not be what I want.
My family would be so happy,
they would like that decision.
They don't want me to go to New York.
It's too expensive.

And I know,
I know I know I know,
and can't even do anything about it,
I'll try so hard
and nothing will happen
they don't like any of my plans.

I am so stupid stupid to think I could do this,
to think it'd end up well
and everyone would be happy.
No one is happy,
and everything sucks.

Everyone worries
but has no idea about what this means to me.
I am so screwed, so scared, 
so totally confused.
Nothing is working,
nothing at all.
I can't decide.

No matter what I pick,
someone will be unhappy,
somehow the choice will be wrong.
I can't do anything right and never have
been able to.
And I just want to stop my life
and live in the basement of my house
without fear.

I am scared of my life,
so scared, it isn't what I want,
it's not going the right way.

I'm going to end up poor
and sad and alone and confused.
I can't have that happen because
I will want to die if that happens
and I don't want to die at all. 

It's college, 
the biggest decision in my life thus far.
I have to pick. ME. ALONE.
And then I'm saddled with being an adult
and all that stuff I don't want to do
like take out loans and be poor and get a job
and this sucks.
It sucks a whole lot,
I fucking hate this.
I'm so scared I can't even function normally.

I had to stay home today,
I didn't have the strength or will to 
see other people,
and I don't want to talk to my parents tonight
I just want to evaporate
or disappear.
I want to be gone,
I don't even care anymore.


9.4.13

Lowell, MA

Gimme a second here to sound like
a total suck-up, brown-noser student, ok?
I know some hardcore, awesome, 
insightful, and amazing teachers
who get a lot of shit.

I follow one on Instagram,
and she is the most amazing
crafter- I told her so,
and today she popped
into my first period class
before the bell rang,
and put the cutest little
pouchy-purse
on desk,
even tied up with
a little blue tulle bow.
With a note inside of it.

She is incredibly sweet,
and she is also a killer
math teacher.

And then I asked another teacher about college
stuff, and what I should do,
and she gave me so much more confidence
in decisions.
She was logical too.
And she's rad.
She is not afraid to tell someone 
off. 
She made me feel a lot better about
what I want to do.

I am so lucky to have 
access to such nice people.
such caring people.
All over my life.