Free Jazz Music

I am terrified.
That's it.
Simply put,
terrified
like I didn't know 
I could be.

So many fears,
those nagging,
irrational, stupid thoughts.

You are not good enough.

You are not cool enough.

Why aren't you better?

Why didn't you try harder?

You're such a fucking loser.

Why don't you just stop trying?

Why not just give up and die?

This is my brain, telling
itself terrible things.

Telling itself to stop existing,
stop being such a fuck-up.
I hate myself
and all I am or ever was,
because I am not going to be anything else.

I didn't do well enough.
I didn't get what I wanted,
I didn't succeed
and that isn't ok with me.
It doesn't sit well in my tummy and my bones.

I have to go to college.
But where?

My life is dominated by money
and other people's opinions,
people I love.
I don't know what to do.
I don't even know what I want anymore.
I am not cool enough for New York,
I am not wealthy enough for New York.
My family says no to New York.
They seem to sneer and reject all of my ideas.
They whisper things meant to be inspirational,
but instead fill me with fear
and hatred of myself.

I could go there,
I could go to Denison,
and do things that may not be what I want.
My family would be so happy,
they would like that decision.
They don't want me to go to New York.
It's too expensive.

And I know,
I know I know I know,
and can't even do anything about it,
I'll try so hard
and nothing will happen
they don't like any of my plans.

I am so stupid stupid to think I could do this,
to think it'd end up well
and everyone would be happy.
No one is happy,
and everything sucks.

Everyone worries
but has no idea about what this means to me.
I am so screwed, so scared, 
so totally confused.
Nothing is working,
nothing at all.
I can't decide.

No matter what I pick,
someone will be unhappy,
somehow the choice will be wrong.
I can't do anything right and never have
been able to.
And I just want to stop my life
and live in the basement of my house
without fear.

I am scared of my life,
so scared, it isn't what I want,
it's not going the right way.

I'm going to end up poor
and sad and alone and confused.
I can't have that happen because
I will want to die if that happens
and I don't want to die at all. 

It's college, 
the biggest decision in my life thus far.
I have to pick. ME. ALONE.
And then I'm saddled with being an adult
and all that stuff I don't want to do
like take out loans and be poor and get a job
and this sucks.
It sucks a whole lot,
I fucking hate this.
I'm so scared I can't even function normally.

I had to stay home today,
I didn't have the strength or will to 
see other people,
and I don't want to talk to my parents tonight
I just want to evaporate
or disappear.
I want to be gone,
I don't even care anymore.