Slow Graffiti

New Year's Eve Post One

I feel like my new year
started in November.

A lot of things shifted in my life
and I have no regrets.

So this is another chance to begin
and I'm debating what to 
try to change.
Mostly,
things have changed so much this month
that I am not really eager to 
go and make more change.

I have gained new friends
whom I feel 
very comfortable with,
and who I have so much
to talk about.

I have learned about my true
friends,
those I can count on.

I am in the state of moving on
from a three year fixation 
with someone who 
sort of turned out to be an asshole,
and I was sort of waiting for that.

I love him,
but in a way that I wish him the best
but know he's not good for me.
So I'm leaving that behind.
Because I know I deserve better
than being pissed and unhappy 
with him all the time. 

Maybe we will be friends somewhere in the future
but I'm not holding my breath.

I am optimistic about my prospects
with a new crush,
a good guy.
And I'm hoping he will be free
here soon so we can watch movies.

I'm in a completely new realm,
and I don't know what I'm doing
and it's great.
I haven't been this way in a long time.

New beginnings don't always correspond with
the changing of the calendar year,
but I'm ok with that.

I'm working on my resolutions,
I'm reminiscing
about 2012,
and I'm looking ahead with
a lot more vigor
than I thought.

I'm not going to go out on any limbs 
and say 2013 will be the best year
ever of some such shit,
but I'm happy right now,
I think, a little.

I'm confused in many aspects,
but I'm ok.

Papa was a Rodeo

I felt the universe shift under

my feet a little

and go 

"Ha."

Howlin' for You

Woah.
Dreamt about a new guy.
How weird is that.

I am utterly confused.
How does this work?

Ho Hey

My stomach is churning with 
that strange energy 
that sometimes comes to me.

It fills up my gut
with a gamut of feelings,
it tells me
to do so many things,
all at once.

I want to go out
and lie in the snow,
and I want to kiss somebody
and go ride the subway all the 
length of Manhattan so
I can fall asleep.

I need to just fly and
become a hummingbird,
my heart wants to 
beat so fast,
so fast.
I want to go skinnydipping
and ride in a troika
across the darkened night
and snow
and I need to clean everything,
I want to cut off all my hair,
short
like the beautiful girls in magazines.

I could run,
I could run a long time,
and not be tired.
My fingers could write a novel
and still find more to say.
This is the energy
I get at night
sometimes,
but only at night
and I can find nothing
to do with it.

I want to dress up
fancy and go out
and eat in a trashy joint
with a jukebox and 
thick milkshakes.

I need to walk the streets of a city
that is alive.
Find all the constellations in
the entire sky.
I need to run into the arms of
the sea and tell her I am home,
that I love her.
I want to call up a boy
and tell him 
I like him,
and we should be friends
and should be happy together,
and its cute that you
told me about your dog
and the snow
and I like talking to you a lot.

I just need to sew a new dress
and laugh with shiny teeth
over a glass of iced tea
on a pretty screened-in porch overlooking a lake.
I want to drive to California.

I want to cook 
a feast.
And have a midnight 
dinner with candles.

I am simply full.

12 Days of Christmas

Could it be?
Am I freeing myself from you?
After three years?

Am I finally done with you?
Was there a final straw?

Yes, 
there was.

I know I don't trust you.
You won't be reading my things
again, I don't think.

Maybe
I am finally 
over this.

Over you.

Maybe you won't make me into
such a mess anymore.

Or maybe I'll go back
and be very confused
and saddened.

But for now,
I feel a little freer,
a little over you,
done with your
rude attitude,
done with you blowing me off,
done with how you've acted this year.

It's you,
it's things involving you.

I want to untangle myself fully.

Maybe I like somebody else.
And maybe he's a lot better for me
to like.
Maybe I don't even like you anymore.
Maybe you can get out of my life.

Maybe this other guy will like me.
Someday?
Maybe?

Christmas Eve Sarajevo

It felt like Christmas.
It hasn't in years.
I got excited last night,
I was happy today
and it felt like it should have.
Maybe it was the snow,
maybe it was magic.

I don't care,
because I really liked it.
I had such a wonderful time
with my family.
And I felt so much closer to 
my cousins this year.
We all talked and hung out together,
I even talked to my cousin's girlfriend,
she's so nice, we're just both
slightly awkward/shy.

We gave airbrush tattoos on Sunday,
and my great aunt
jokingly called us
all dirty whores,
and my great uncle was a ridiculous as ever.
It was a good time.
With promises to hang out with 
some of my family here soon.

I had a lovely Christmas morning at home,
and it was just nice.
We cooked eggs on the stove
because or oven is broken and we couldn't make
anything else.
My parents liked their gifts.
I got what I asked for.
We had fun.

This was a good Christmas.

I forgot all about my stupid feels,
and had a good time.

White Christmas

So of course
out of the blue
I think I have a 
crush on a guy
who is actually my age
and who actually 
might even slightly
like me back?

Woah, life,
hold up,
slow down.

Because that one
guy I like
and have liked for three
years is being such a jerk-idiot,
and makes me anxious and scared
and feel bad,
so life is like

"TAKE THESE NEW FEELS"

and I am like

ohmygod no.

Facebook chat pops up
-ping-
and I see who it's from
and my stomach is like,
doing summersaults 
and I had no idea what was going
on and then,
perhaps I like him?

Maybe?
Is that what a crush feels like?
I don't know
because I haven't experienced anything
like that in a long time.

Maybe this will be good for me?
Or maybe I'll just continue to be very
confused and
consumed.

Maybe he even likes me?
Woah, like that could ever happen.

Whatever.

God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen

I kind of want to spend
break by myself,
alone and not have to 
see anyone,
or talk to anyone.
I wouldn't need to answer my phone,
or whatever.
Sleep
and read and
avoid the problems of a human reality.

I'd like two weeks to myself,
maybe. 
To catch up with how I feel.
To plan for the coming year.

Do They Know It's Christmastime?

I hate feeling sick all the time.
I hate feeling weak
and exhausted
most of the week.
I don't know what's wrong with me,
nor does anyone else.

But I'm tired of being sick.
I want to have enough energy to
stand in choir
without my knees quivering.

I want to stop feeling dizzy
all the time,
and so tired and lethargic
I can't be bothered to do anything.

I'm too weak to go work out,
because it'll make me hurt even more.

I couldn't sleep last night
due to restless and aching bones
all over.

What's wrong with me?
All the blood tests always come back fine.

Is it all in my head,
the pain and the dizziness
and the lethargy.

I know the general distaste for life
is up there,

but the physical is different, right?

And I need to stop being so pissy
and angry all the time.
I don't feel like myself
when I'm angry.
I need to sleep
until I wake up semi-normal again.

Just enough to look human again,
just enough to get it together
and not collapse when everyone
looks away
into a little dusty heap of bones.

I'm sorry (not sorry) for complaining,
but I honestly can't even function.

It doesn't even matter that break is pretty close,
or that I have a lot of good plans coming up,
I have no energy or excitement for anything.

All I Want For Christmas Is You*

It's really quite
funny how awful today
was, even though I was at home.

But, to spite
all the nay-sayers
in my life,
(who are quickly piling up)
I have one glorious thing for you
all,
and while it only applies to 
those who understand AV geekdom,
alas.

I FOUND A CONVERTER.

Yeah, that's right.
They exist
on Amazon for
the amazingly low price
of $10.88

HOLLAH

(Yeah, I said it)

Yep,
with a nice
little S-Video
and RCA hook-up on end
and a gret little USB 2.0 
at the other end.

And you know what that means?

In layman's terms

Old beige AV box
can be friends
with laptop.

And while it may not work out for
this Friday,
it's going to work out.

So suck it, 
nay-sayers
and negative nellies.

Because I found one answer
today.

And one was enough
for one day. 

Tomorrow will be a different story.


*The song refers to the cord,
all I want for Christmas is that converter cord.

Little Fury Bugs

I knew that once I'd given you my
poetry it was a sign
that I trusted you.
Every paper-clipped packet
of poems that landed on
your desk in these three years
was an extension of myself
that I trusted you with.

I don't think I trust you anymore.

I'm not sure I'll ever be able to
give you poems ever again,
or talk to you about real life
anymore.

I'm really, really saddened by this.
I was sure we'd be friends.
I could trust you.
I told you a lot of things
I hadn't really told other people.
Something about you 
different and I thought
maybe we were similar,
but I think you've changed,
and I know I've changed,
and maybe we just can't be 
friends ever.

It doesn't matter
if you once said
I was your favorite poet,
in jest or seriously
I don't know.

It doesn't matter 
that we've spent hours 
talking about literature.

It doesn't matter that
you helped me get through
my first anxiety attack
and told me you cared.

You've been rude to me lately,
you've been absolutely
different and I don't
like this version of you.

I don't think you care,
I don't think you're sincere,
and I don't trust you.

As soon as you started acting
like a jerk,
I revoked every nice thing
I'd ever said about you.