31.3.11

Dog Days Are Over

Morning.

-

Warm street glow,

Of the rapid-running dawn,

Claiming the once-grey clouds,

Hanging limply in the orange,

Slightly melancholied, sky-dome.

-

Arms in an outstretch of

Unabashed embrace, to greet

Father sky's festive colors,

Rained down, amber jeweled facets

Of ourselves in the slick, reflecting

Streets.

-

Syrupy gazes in the quick-rising

Of the new day, as we awake

In beds not our own,

On a day that belongs to only

The swift, fleeting feet of time.

As our Earth moves in some languid hurry,

All along the blushing streets.

-

Like an orange, the sun pops free

Of the horizon, Pulled along by Helios,

That golden chariot racing across

The new light. Faces turned to

See, in sleepy splendor,

A new day,

Birthed from the ugliness

Of what was yesterday.

-

Glistening in the dew

Of tender trees leaves, our eyes

Cast merry looks along the line

Of the new, fiery dawn.

-

Sun hangs, in heavy solitude,

Imposing the bright flames

Which lick so, at the facesOf the waking ones, and the trees,

The windows,

Who so grace the sun with his own image.

-

Street lamp flicker in the distant night,

As we dance in the jeweled rain

Of this day, new and still smelling

Of the night musk, from which it came.

Arms held out in joyous welcome

To this, most gracious of births.

-

Like a glistening orange,

The sun bends

To place a fiery kiss

On my lips.

30.3.11

Dimmer

He left her,
Perched uneasily on the orange upholstered armchair. Wingback, 1970s, no doubt.
That heavy feeling of loss lay like guilt at the very pit of her stomach,
Clawing in slow, painful strokes at her insides.
He walked out, you see, and left the girl
All alone with the old demons in the chair. Her small quivering breaths
Turned cold in the outdated space, and she knew, indefinitely,
That the feeling was to stay here, lodged so uncomfortably in her gut.
She shifted her slight weight and balanced so precariously on the arm of the chair,
As she leaned to watch him walk down the muddied lane toward
The other country lane. One led to the small city in which they were stranded,
the other simply led away from the dilapidated farmhouse, toward the other lane.
She heaved a great sigh into the empty air, it was still dank and rotting,
Rained upon, and abandoned for decades.
How they ended up in this horrible stretch of midwestern farmland was still undetermined.
It had been raining too hard to see a thing the night before, when they had crawled to a stop
And hurried into the stone-cold house.

The chair creaked beneath her as she strained to follow his form down the lane.
Its groan of protest made her gasp in slight surprise. The revolting furniture was... revolting against her.
She shivered, and lowered herself from the arm into the seat cushion where she had spent the night
Carefully wrapped in his embrace.
The heavy feeling in her stomach worsened and she fought back the scream building up
In her throat, as though she was about to throw up.
The house watched her silently, judging every move as she sat in her own brand of silence,
Pulling at the loose threads of the chair.

It began to rain again, and she hoped he would not get caught in other horrific storm.
But she really didn't so much care, for he had left, and if he planned to return was not known to her.
For they both knew what had gone on the previous night.
Such a criminal act, such a sinful thing.
The demons welled up again within her, and she did heave over the arm of the chair.
The demons escaped as her stomach again rebelled.
He had left her here,
Alone.
To fight off this new vile illness.


(I'm not sure. Just a story.)

29.3.11

I Think Ur a Contra

Here is what I am:
A sixteen year-old girl with dreams much too large for her
Current standing. Someone who enjoys simple, pretty things.
Literature. A girl wrestling with herself philosophically,over
What in the world actually matters. I am directionless.
I am often stupid and selfish, like humans can be.

Here is I want to be, someday:
A more confident and less naive version of myself,
Perhaps an artist in the written word. I want to be
More intelligent, and to follow my much too large dreams.
I wish to be one who is comfortable with not knowing
Where I am going.

Here is what I will never be:
A confident, pretty, thin human being, who has made
Her life into everything she ever wanted it to be. I will
not be a wonderful, incredibly smart scholar.

To be honest,
My aspirations are becoming
These things that are stretching themselves
Out beyond my grasp just a little bit.
We are always told to follow our dreams.
Why aren't adults honest with us when we're little children?
To follow our dreams is to fling ourselves
Into a great and powerful tumult,
And only some emerge victorious.

I'm feeling utterly hopeless.
Insignificant and tiny.
Screwed up.
I don't deal well with stress.

But I'm sure this has already been made apparent.

28.3.11

The Cave

Alone.
Upset with myself.
Dead phone,
Alone.

No way to get out
And find some selfish catharsis.
No way to go and be with
Somebody
Who I can talk to.
Nowhere I can go
Where I'll be able to sleep
Without feeling this guilt.

Stuck here.
With nobody
But myself
And my thoughts,
A horrible disquietude.

I feel like a failure.
And i cannot shake the feeling
So that I can go to bed,
And feel ok.

Just a tiny, small bit
Of ok.
I don't need to feel
Normal-ok.
Just enough to close
My weary eyes,
Red-rimmed from the selfish sobbing
Of my failures and shortcomings.

I just want to sleep
Until I can go out of this
Little cage.

I need to talk to someone.
In person.
Quietly.

I need some faint notion
That I'm not an idiot.

Alone,
I get a funny perspective.
And when I'm upset,
Alone
Is not a good place to be.

Where is your catharsis
When you need him?


Seven Nation Army

I hate making mistakes.
I hate making ugly, stupid, could-have-been-prevented
Mistakes.
That ruin my day
And now my week.
Mistakes that make me
Feel like a horrible human being.
Mistakes that I've tried to remedy,
But it's not enough.

I'm beyond pissed at myself.
I am beating myself up
And I deserve the punishment I got.
I deserve more than that.

I was a stupid teenager I deserve
To be punished.
I made a mistake.

Some breach in my intelligence,
My mind was hazed over with
That lovely "Spring Break" aura.
But I basically ruined my entire spring break
In making this mistake.

I cannot go with my friends tomorrow.
I cannot drive for the rest of spring break.
I am stuck in my house
Until further notice.
Under the scrutinizing eye
Of my father and mother,
Both of which are so utterly
Disappointed in me.

I've ruined my reputation
As a good kid.
I am no longer a trustworthy driver.

One little bump.
A smudge of paint.
Misplaced judgement,
And very, very little damage.

But I've ruined my week off.
I have nothing better to do than homework now.
I have to redeem myself.
In the only way I know possible,
Because I can't pay for the replacement
Tail-light cover for my own car.
Nothing needs to be replaced on the other.

But regardless,
I've done a horrible thing.

I hate making mistakes.
I hate showing weakness.
It was a horrible day.
It's going to get worse.

Here's to a wonderfully fucked up break
Because this idiot can't drive her damn car right.

26.3.11

Rebel Yell

Before the summer of last year,
I never knew that my life was missing
Such a substantial chunk of living.

And now, I totally see what was
Missing.
These amazing people I am so grateful
To call my friends.
Where would I be without
Them?
(Answer: Somewhere awful)

So far,
Spring Break is living up to every
Expectation I had,
And while it is only the first full day,
I think it gets even better.
I am certainly excited.
Overjoyed.

Things are lovely,
You know.

Living is certainly splendid.

...

Aside.

I've begun a rather strange reading expedition,
And my impressions so far are as follows:

Humbert Humbert is somewhere between "dirty old man" and "Mentally unstable"
In my mind, but I cannot help but feel almost sorry for him,
Oddly interested in his peculiar mindset,
And somewhat persuaded by what he's saying.
Is he in love with Lolita?
Is it just lust?
Is it insanity?

Regardless, the prose is beautiful.
And it's captivating.



25.3.11

The Globe


That's correct folks, it's offically

SPRING BREAK 2011!

Time for sleeping and doing whatever!
Wooo!
And it's definitely going to be the best one yet,
Because
This year I won't be spending all alone!
I'll be playing laser tag, jumping on trampolines, staring at art,
And watching movies, and being crazy
With the most fantastic group of people
On the entire planet.

Spring break,
Here we come. :)

24.3.11

Morning Crescent.


I love conversation.

I really love conversation with certain people.
But I don't like when I'm fidgety and antsy
And I continuously stab my fingers with a binder clip.
I did that this afternoon and had outbursts
And things and we conversed,
And moments were often quiet.
But I'd like to apologize
For just... speaking.
I hope it doesn't seem
Like a waste of time to you.
If it does, I'm horribly sorry,
I wish you knew you could tell me to shut up,
I'd understand, honestly.

It was a lovely session of saying.
In my opinion, at least.
But I apologize for
My absurd arm flailing over classes
That are silly.
I'm also sorry I wasn't more scolding
Of your self-pessimism.
You shouldn't be like that,
You aren't quite deserving of your own criticism, I think.
But people would disagree, because that's what people do.

So, though you won't see this,
Sorry about that.
You're quite interesting to talk to,
And I hope you don't find me
Absurdly obnoxious,
I was just very anxious today,
That's all.
You noted that,
I think it affected what was said, highly.

You're a lovely guy, you know.
Splendid, right?
So, my apologies,
I guess.

Adieu.
:)

23.3.11

My Fear.


It's exhilarating and humiliating at the same time
To admit that my life
Can simply be reduced to a 216 page Word document.

216 pages.
The pinnacle of my existence.
It's what I do.
It's the only thing I do well,
Or so I'd like to think.
It's the one thing I understand
Without getting it.
That's right.
216 pages of poetry.
Spanning oh... a year?

22 pages of which are "love" poems.

As I was trying to compile some sort of
Amalgamation of love poems
It was difficult.
All of my poems are love poems.
To the Sea, the Sky, the Birds,
The Earth.

Only a few are actually about a boy.
A human love.
Something silly like that.

And all of the human love poems
Are ridiculously the same.
With seas and starry eyes
In the pale morning light
Or the dusk.

Perhaps certain people
Only evoke certain things.
Maybe he's just
Bearer of the sea to me.
Just the guy
With Pale Blue Eyes.
(They're mentioned all the time, regrettably)

I think it's sort of horrid,
How my life is a document full of words.
Sure, I guess a lot of people amounted to words.
Eliot, Pound, Cummings, etc...

But they were good.
There's that key difference separating me from them.
They had superb skill and talent.
They were beautiful crafters of language.
Manipulators of the verbs, nouns, and adjectives.
Bearers of truth and justice
In a world full of lies and deception.

There's a great and deep sea I have to
Transcend
To land my ship on the shores
Of Good Poetry.
Perhaps someday
I'll be able to do so
And have tea with
All of the dead greats.
Why do they all have to die, anyways?
Certain people
Should be immortal.

I guess, in time we'll see if the tempest
Is simply too strong.
But god forbid I give up altogether, ever.
I'll go down with my ship, by George, I will!
I'll tie myself to the mast and scream
My last profanities as I plunge into the sea
Before I give up.

Life is certainly worth fighting for,
Am I right?

Maybe I'm being fanatical,
Maybe not.

But 216 pages is a good place to start building
My ship, to get it ready to venture
On an endless, perilous journey.

I cannot wait.







21.3.11

Angel In the Snow


I'm sure you all (if there are any of you)
Get sick of hearing of my little obsession
With a boy, who really,
Weirds me out in a lovely way.

I know, I know, you're sick of it.
But I've given up on appeasing you all.
Sadly,
There are fixtures in our minds
That won't leave.
They get stuck in the hard-to-reach
Corners of our minds.

Like cobwebs.
Pleasant cobwebs.

An odd metaphor, but it'll do.

There's a lot I'm wanting to say.
But there is no way to say it.


I need a change of scenery.
A nice change of place
To make things interesting.

I want to fly a little bit,
A little far away.
I want to see something new.
Go somewhere,
Where the people are all strangers
And the streets aren't familiar.

A change.
Is what I'm needing.

But there is nowhere to find it.

Pissed beyond compare,
Am I.
Floating in this awfully salty sea
Where nothing is going right.
People are these horrible monsters
That eat away at my mind
Bit by bit.
What do they expect of me?
What do they want?
Why do they look at me
As though I speak gibberish?

Do I have to wait to be
"Intellectual"?

Can I feign intelligence now?
Why wait for the never-coming future.
What's left to live for then right now?
Nothing much, I suppose.

Once again,
Hemingway sums up my feelings:

"I love sleep. My life has a tendency to fall apart when I'm wake, you know?"

I think that in dreams,
We are all truly ourselves.
Nothing to hide,
Because it's all our own subconscious.
Nobody to impress.
We're all much better that way.

Fractured, fractured
This Monday is.

Often I wish I lived out at sea.
I could simply sit on the deck through day and night,
Tracking the sun and the stars.
Lost in thoughts
And poems.
Hopefully,
I wouldn't have to be all alone.

Perhaps you'll come too?
You never would.
But it's pleasant thought.

But sadly,
There are no birds that far out in the sea.