Nostalgia.

Why don't I throw in the towel now?

Just quit while there is still some chance to recover what pieces of me I have lost.

Why not give myself a chance to pick myself up of the floor.

It's as though I have been struck at 90 mph by a large locomotive.

I was barreled over and am now sprawled on the floor in distress.

Disdain.

Take your pick.

View it from whichever angle you want to.

The silence is the worst thing.

But the talking is somehow worse.

Certain days,

I hate people.

Today snowballed into one of those days.

Snowballed into a lock-yourself-away sort of dreary day,

Into this ten ton weight dropped upon me.

It's stupid.

I've no reason to be feeling so full of dread, hatred, stupidity.

But I seriously just want to go to bed.

Forget other human beings exist.

All of them.

Every last one.

Pretend I am the last of them,

Slowly approaching my end.

The end of everything I was.

Am.

What am I, but

This body?

This mind that can contribute nothing new?

I am so cold.

Physically.

Mentally.

I don't want to say a word,

To anyone.

I don't want to open my mouth for whatever reason,

For what I'd spout off would betray me.

The to do list beside me is intimidating.

I don't want to get anything done.

I don't care if some things are easy.

Most aren't.

Most are pointless,

Gradeless.

Useless.

What's useful,

Right now, is the fireplace. And my bed. And nothing else.

It could all fall away.

I'm begging it to all fall away,

To leave me in peace.

If it fell away, left me,

I could cry the tears that hold no emotions worth validation,

I could cry the tears that shouldn't be cried.

I wouldn't have to mask my face.

Bottle myself up.

I am bottling up,

Whatever causes these swings into the low, low feelings on the human spectrum.

My frustration is tangled in a painful knot,

In the pit of my stomach,

Where nothing but stomach acid lurks.

But frustration is tough,

Like steel,

un-dissolvable,

Mental emotion is greater than physical processes.

Try as I might,

I cannot warm up.

Can't fend off what ails me.

Weather, people, school.

And today started out with promise too.

I guess somewhere along the day's path, I took a wrong turn.

There is no other explanation,

For I have decided wrongly, I have made today what it is.

And it is not pleasant.

It is just not good.

A downright waste of daylight.

But what daylight? as far as my eye can strain,

I see grey.

And I see only more grey on the horizon.