Pink Moon

One of these days I'm going to sit down and write out how I want this story to go. I will write a pathetic love story, about how we are in my mind. I'll scribble out every conversation I've ever wanted to have with you. I'll write about things that will never happen, things that cannot be.

Because when these things swim around in my brain, it drives me insane; I simply can't stand it.

Yet I can't let go.

I can't just stop liking you,

You stupid, stupid, wonderful person.

You stupidly awesome guy who torments my every waking moment.

Why does the soul ache for what it knows it can't have?

Is all of life supposed to feel like someone's jamming a dagger into your heart and twisting it?

Is everything supposed to remind me of you?

And cause me such a great deal of pain that there are days when I make myself sick because of you?

It's not healthy, it's stupid and forbidden and ridiculous.

You don't like me.

You never will.

Everything anyone has every said about us getting together

Was either sarcasm or lies to make me feel less miserable.

They only make me feel more miserable.

I don't want to talk about you,

But you end up in my every conversation.

I hate you.

I love you.

I don't actually know anymore.

It's such a horrible, wretched feeling of torment.

And I feel it everyday.

Everyday that I catch myself glancing repeatedly at you.

Everyday that I catch myself repeating your words.

Why am I so caught up in such a web of horrible lies?

How did I end up falling into this situation?

How could I let my guard done so completely,

For what, a year-ish now?

How long can I keep this up?

How long will I be completely and blindly in love with you?

I can't do this.

And yet I continue to live on in this horrible, stupid way.

Fawning over you.

Me, this stupid girl

Who has nothing to offer intellectually, sexually, or otherwise.

I am a nobody, a nothing.

And I am more than sure that whoever you're with right now

Is smart and funny and cute and just perfect for you.

And I will never, ever be that person for you.

Because, actually, yes, some things are impossible.

This is one of those things.

I have got to get myself untangled from this.

But I can't when everything you do or say is just adorable to me.

Why am I so stupid?

So stupid as to let this happen.

So stupid as to let it continue.

Because in truth,

I know that you will never

Kiss me

Hug me

Love me

Date me.

And yet I still can't let go.

I still can't wholeheartedly believe that nothing will ever happen between us.

Even though I just know nothing ever will.

Nothing.

Never.

All of the things that represent impossibility

Also represent this... whatever it is.

I am too ridiculous.

I'm going to see you on Monday

And I hope so dearly that

I don't go psycho.

That I don't just completely freak out.

Breathe in.

Breathe out.

Calm down.

Back away.

Because I'm so very close to being in tears right now.

All because of my stupidity,

All because of inability to see things as they are,

My inability to let go.

I can't cry.

Not over something so idiotic as this.

I won't have it.

I won't let myself be so swallowed up completely.

Too late.

You're nearly all I think about.

And I hate admitting it,

I hate having to say that with whatever is left of my heart.

Because you seriously ate up 96% of it already.

I hate being a teenager

And having to deal with these teenage feelings.

With all of this "Teen angst".

I hate myself.

I hate him.

And I hate every moment I spend thinking about him.

And at the same time, I love it.

Goodnight or whatever.