Another Sunny Day

It's anything but, I guess.

Anything but another sunny day.

Somehow, this big wave of overwhelming

Just crashed down on me.

It was a rogue wave

The kind you never see coming,

Until it's just way too late.

I have so much to do,

So much that I don't want to do.

All of these tests and things to remember, and it's just

A little bit too much.

It's like I'm paying for the lack of homework I've had in the past few days.

Karma just barfed on me.

I swear to you.

I have this feeling of total uselessness,

Sleepiness,

And ridiculousity.

Yeah, that' right, "ridiculousity" is so a word...

And I'm feeling it right now.

Homework

And essays

And tests

Career choices

Future choices.

Every time careers are mentioned,

Or I'm forced to think of them,

I become almost frantic.

Overcome by this claustrophobic feeling that makes my palms sweat and

My head swim.

Literally, I feel as though

I am being forced to decide my life's path

Now.

And that's too much.

I don't know where to turn.

Can't just rant about this to my friends,

Or my parents,

Or my teachers.

Maybe I could just go spazztic on a stranger at the grocery store?

Talk to the walls?

I just don't want to bother anyone,

Don't want to have to own up and talk about this fear,

Because I will most likely break down and start going slightly insane.

So I'll just outline for you here how much this career stuff terrifies me.

I am not good at anything practical.

I don't know how people choose occupations.

I'm not sure who I should consult on this.

Certainly not my guidance counselor.

(She scares me, an immense amount)

There.

Any suggestions on how to solve this monumental crisis?

(As it seems such in my mind, how selfish)

And this career conversation today

Brought up another future-type item.

Children.

It went like this,

"Why don't you sign up to see the early childhood development lab?"

Me: "I hate kids."

"You're gonna want them someday, you know. You'll get married and you'll want them. Your internal clock just isn't there yet."

Me: "No, I'm not going to want them. People always tell me that. I have no mothering instincts."

I turned away after this,

And thought mean thoughts in my head like

"I didn't ask you, you're stupid."

And "ShutupShutupShutup! Don't tell me how to live my life!"

Or "You're 15, I am therefore older than you, don't talk to me about 'internal clocks'!!! Aruhgf!!"

I was slightly upset, if you couldn't deduce.

Yeah, I hate kids.

What a horrible person am I.

And then people continuously point out things like,

"You're gonna marry someone who wants kids"

"You might accidentally get pregnant."

"You were a kid once too, if your parents thought like that, you wouldn't even be here!"

No, I won't marry someone who wants kids, I'm sure there are men out there with a similar dislike of kids, right?

Accidents happen. But there's surgery to prevent such types of accidents from happening. Yes, as in, getting rid all that stuff... you know what I mean.

No, really, I realize I was a kid, still am one, or whatever. And it certainly is not my civic duty to reproduce to please other people.

Seriously,

And excuse my crude language usage here,

But seriously

Fuck you guys.

Sorry,

I know that was rude.

But I have no womanly duty to fulfill by popping out 2.2 kiddies and driving around a minivan.

It just isn't what I want, thank you, good day.

And whatever opinion you hold, so be it,

But I just don't like kids.

What a horrendous crime, right?

Bite me.

And while we're at it,

Here's a list of who I am, in terms of societal things, right?

I'm just an arrogant, self-involved, child-hating, pessimist bitch, right?

Right.

And Yes,

Somedays,

I'm just fine with that.

Somedays I'd even venture to say that I

LIKE that.

That I like who I am.

But only somedays.

Like I said.

A little (A lot) overwhelmed right now.

I am procrastinating so much right now, that it's insane.

I have too much stuff I have to get finished to be ranting about things that don't matter.

So I bid thee all a good evening/afternoon type-thing,

Adieu,

And please,

Don't hate me for this post

And its language and rudeness.

I'm just mildly pissed off.

Sorry,

It happens to us all, right?

Right.

Good-bye.