The Itsy Bitsy Spider

There is a spider in my shower.

True story.

It's there right now,

It's little eight legs and multiple eyes just looking so villainous.

I loathe spiders.

That are the bane of my existence,

The scourge of the earth.

I hate them.

And there the spider was.

Between the cloth shower curtain and the plastic shower-liner.

Just being disgusting and spider-like.

And needless to say,

I was alarmed.

So much so that I stood paralyzed by fear for a moment.

In the shower.

So I took the second speediest shower in the history of my life.

For real.

First fastest was four minutes during a commercial break.

But anyways.

I stared at the spot where the spider was

The entire time.

For I could not see the spider,

As I did not have my glasses on.

For obvious reasons.

And so I just stared anxiously at the spot where the spider was.

And silently freaked out.

I was trapped.

The spider,

The disgusting, brown, hunched up, plotting, good-for-nothing spider

Was between me and the outside.

The outside was where all of my limited spider-killing apparatuses were located.

Along with my spectacles,

So I wouldn't be blindly whacking at the wall.

But alas.

For my spider-killing arsenal was so very limited.

No shoes or heavy objects to bludgeon it to death with,

And I am certainly not brave enough to squish it with a tissue.

(What if it's a jumping spider for cripe's sake!??!)

The best I could think of, short of full mental breakdown,

Was the hairspray it to death.

But no,

I had no super-extra-ultra hold aresol hairspray.

Shit.

So I stared at the shower curtain some more.

And decided that I was too vulnerable to attack.

Being in a fogged up bathroom without a shoe or newspaper in sight,

Clinging in desperation to the opposite wall.

So I left.

Leaving the spider more time to plot.

Or possibly move.

Ohhhh, the thought is enough to make me hurl.

But as I left,

I remembered.

The three spider bites on my leg.

Which magically appeared two days ago.

What if this spider was the culprit?

Either way,

I figured,

That spider's gonna die.

Imma kill that thing.

And no, I haven't killed it yet,

Because I'm a freaked out wimp,

But.

I will.

Or something.

Because

(And I don't mean this lightly)

I fucking hate spiders.

Ask anyone.

It's true.