This Time

There's someplace between melancholy and content.

It's like a crossroads, and you never know which way will be the best.

It's like choosing between rain without thunder or a full-out storm.

And it's not much different, really.

So I'm floating about this little junction,

This little place where emotions mix themselves like paint

And you can't really sort one thing from another,

And it's all going over my head.

Everything,

And there's something that makes me want to cry,

And something else that makes me want to smile,

But the edges of these things are too fuzzy and blurred,

Like before you pass out,

So that I cannot tell one from the other.

So neither happens.

Paused.

It's where I'm at.

This sense of overwhelming.

Over underachieving,

This sense of falseness that's sickening.

That things have somehow changed now,

And nothing can ever be as it was,

Only yesterday.

I found a paint color called "Only Yesterday", it was pale yellow like fading sun rays on a wall.

I don't feel pale yellow.

I'm thinking a deepening green.

Feeling green.

Not with envy,

But it's what happens when blue (melancholy) and yellow (content) are mixed,

Green happens.

And playlists full of acoustic and sparse songs

They all happen here.

Where things change and all is tumbling together,

Falling like the houses of cards built up black, white, and red.

Love music is stupid.

Have you ever noticed?

It wasn't always stupid, it just recently fell into utter stupidity.

Now love music is all about sex and it's so annoying.

That or it's whiny little "emo" boy bands singing about their "dream girls".

I have no respect for either type of love song.

Nobody can write them anymore.

And yet songs either seem to be about sex/stupid love, or something hopeless.

Or they're rap.

Which really isn't music.

Just really horrible "lyric poetry".

It's an insult to humanity, rap "music".

And I realize that was an uneeded tangent.

But if I didn't say it, who would?

I just found a playlist: "For when you can't decide if you're happy or sad".

And I can't decide.

Maybe I should explain myself:

I didn't see my dad until five today, for he was working that part-time job. That alone set the day's tone. I had a dream in which he was there, but not so much. An apparition, if you will. I drowned in homework for a solid three hours. And still, not everything is done.

And yet, I went to the library and found myself quite immersed in books. "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia" is on. I found a lovely dress.

"Bowl of Oranges" is playing.

Bright Eyes is ok.

But not really.

His voice is only tolerable for so long.

He doesn't like Bright Eyes.

I know this.

I don't know what makes him not like him.

I don't know exactly what his musical taste is,

We don't talk much about other things.

I feel as though the whole of this weekend has been sent trying to move away from everything else,

But what can one do.

Melancholy moods can't be staved off sometimes.

Sorry this is stupid, pointless.

Hopeless?

Who knows by now.

Goodnight.