Breathe In, Breathe Out

It's 9:58.

I would be in third period right now,

Had I not suffered a slight break in mental composure

Such an event took place even before the bell for first period had rung.

I told myself at 6:30

That I would be fine.

That I wouldn't cry or become a blubbering mess.

I had myself convinced. I wasn't going to cry.

I rode the bus.

I sat down in room 1020.

I ignored eye contact with anyone.

Until Lily came in, as she does everyday.

And she said "I'm sorry."

And I started to cry.

I don't talk when I cry.

Can't talk when I cry.

My sentences become incoherent.

So I sat there, clinging slightly to Lily, while silent tears rolled down my face.

And I couldn't get them to stop.

So I made plans to go home.

And soon I managed to cease my tears for a moment.

Long enough to get about ten minutes into class.

And everyone went across to do work on the computers.

There was a small cluster of people by the door,

Trying to console me.

People consoling me makes me feel bad.

People have their own lives to take care of.

But so they stay. And give me hugs.

For once, by some odd miracle,

Mr. Schey's room had tissues.

Thank God.

So I'm standing there crying and a horrible mess.

And I end up going to guidance, escorted my Megan.

And I ned up at home.

And here I am.

After more tissues and crying

And blubbering and face washing.

I am home.

Trying to regain some sense of normality,

Some sense of calm.

Trying to put my composure back together again.

I can't go to the showing/funeral.

No. I cannot.

I would be an even worse mess.

And hopefully, my parents understand.

Allow me to stay home.

Continue on in my routine.

School. Sleep.

I hope I can stay.

Because I cannot go.

Going would would be too much.

So I'm going to go now.

I am going to try to do some school things

Attempt to stay composed.

Goodbye.