You Won't See Me

Verdict on this weekend:

Best and worst of my life.

Friday and Saturday?

Friggin' sweet.

Sunday and Monday?

Friggin' awful.

I mean seriously.

The mixed feelings going on here are intense.

I got a car.

I lost my great-grandpa.

This is the extreme of bittersweet.

And today.

I bawled.

And I hate doing that in front of other people.

But how can you not cry

When the VFW men hand your great grandma the triangularly folded flag?

And when you see her break down and cry?

How can you yourself not cry?

When they fire the 21 gun salute,

And the minister says his last words of parting.

If that doesn't make you weep,

I'd venture to say some part of your heart is defective.

Because it's the saddest thing I've ever endured.

And believe me when I say I couldn't stop crying.

It was pretty bad.

And, I had a minor panic attack when the minister was doing the actual service.

He was up there ranting on about Jesus and how far the current generation has "fallen".

I took offense.

I was furiously wringing my hands and sobbing,

And I'm really surprised I don't have bruises.

Because was mauling my hands.

I wanted to just scream.

I felt like I was at a modern Whitefield sermon.

The guy who held field services?

Yeah.

It was horrible.

And all the crying makes it look like I haven't slept in days.

Which may as well be true.

Because that's how I feel too.

I'm just.

Exhausted in way,

The mental-emotional way.

I could use a nice little hiatus from emotion.

I've been overwhelmed by pathos.

Maybe school will provide that numb feeling I'm needing.

Mindless school work.

Papers and editing and lectures.

Verb tenses and conjugations,

Math problems I won't ever need to know.

Yes, I believe the next two days will be quite numbing.

At least, I'm hoping so.

Because I'm getting off this emotional rollercoaster for now.

And hey, maybe things will get better.

You know, mental-emotionally.

Because other than that, things are fantastic.

But it's not the other things that matter.

So I'm going to go and try to fall into routine seamlessly,

Goodnight.

I love you.

(You're super-nice, by the way.)